This Farce Called Life

Just One More Reason To Laugh At The French

2008-06-30T07:30:00.000-07:00

Figures they wouldnt create their own dance.

http://gmy.news.yahoo.com/v/8573170

Oh yes Elections

2008-05-30T05:53:00.001-07:00

Cant forget these, so one more blog.

2 years ago if someone told me "hey your going to be voting republican in 2008" I would have picked up a blunt object and smacked em over the head.

After reviewing my choices............................Id have to say "how did you know?"

McCain has my vote

Hilary you scare me

Obama your a big fluffy piece of cotton.

Password

2008-05-30T05:47:00.001-07:00

Wow I cant believe its been a year and a half since I wrote in this blog. Blogger changed things and I changed the email address and password and couldnt remember any of it and just took a shot today with some randomness. I wrote the poem below last week and felt it needed to join the rest.
Everything happens for a reason I guess, I havent had much to say lately till now.
Will there be more to come in the coming weeks? I dont know, my poetry comes from a dark place in my soul, someplace sad and full of longing. We shall see.

Love is filling this space right now, although the longing never leaves. Can they coexist? Who knows.

Time will tell.

My Knight's Night

2008-05-30T05:42:00.000-07:00

Looking out through a veil of pain,
through the tears and the rain,
falling like empty promises
upon the bare skin of my dreams.

Ask not of which our history forbids,
Ask not of which our future disallows.

The chambers of which my soul resides
Crimson mist filling the corridors of my life'
Where your presence lingers
Waiting
Always waiting
Mine for yours, yours for mine

Falling to my knees,
The wetness of my life awash on the face of us
Begging to the pale grey moon
Begging to the golden flicker of our stars
Why

Has the universe taken the King and the Queen
In a match not to be won
An endless game the timer never running out
Never giving heed to the needs the longing the yearning
I ask again, Why

Love does not discriminate it answers
Love does has no mercy
Love is a ruthless warrior
Love is truth, honor, hope, and joy

A shimmering white dove
Its message crystal clear in the absence of sound
Truth will always be heard over it all
A whisper on the wind as it speaks

In the end all there is, is love.

Once a year

2006-10-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

Once a year I go out. I don't like going to bars, I don't like hanging out in nightclubs and I don't drink so I am always the one looking at everyone going, boy you look stupid when you drool and talk at the same time.

The last time I was in a nightclub someone slipped my husband a Mickey and I thought he was going to die, do you know what it's like getting a 250 pound man up a flight of stairs while he is totally incoherent, then watching him stay up all night peaking out the shades because someone imaginary was coming to get him? Pretty scary, that's when I realized the kids of today don't play nice and the world was a scary place where all the single people hung out.

So once a year I go to a concert. I don't care who comes with me, I just pick someone I want to see and I go. I buy two tickets and ask my husband first, (he only likes rock so he is always a no) then I ask my Mom, or a friend.

This year I hadn't thought about the concert because i have been so busy with the website and working. But I was so excited when I opened my email this morning and I got the presale opportunity for "ANDREA BOCELLI"!!!!!!! Holy crap IM so excited.

So I called mom and we pitched in the American Express points and got 2 tickets for free!!!
300 bucks worth of Bocelli on Amex's dime...........

Last year we saw Yanni, and Sarah Brightman, Yani was for free due to Amex, and then I saw Trisha Yearwood with my Mother in law....ugh, that was a christmas gift from the hubster.

Bocelli though with my mom, hmmmm, its gonna be great but how much would I love to see him with a hunk of man I could hang onto all night long.

Oh well.

Mom it is...........I love my Mom.

Reporting Dead From The White House

2006-07-12T16:14:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer...........this is all a bunch of horseshit.

Overheard by embedded journalist Lavern Stankowski. Lavern is on assignment at the White House posing as an assistent to the shrimp deveiner.....Ajax Washington.

LAVERN STANKOWSKI

Ajax Washington

Lavern captured these exclusive photos for us and managed to overhear some of what was going on...

I was like this close to trying to take over the world in that game of United Nations Monopoly......................That darn Putin........

He's so full of shit.......he was only like this close......why do you people still believe everything he says......dont you know Im the one who is really in charge here!!!

Mutant Teenage Astronaut Turtle?

2006-07-12T16:12:00.000-07:00

Those Fuckers said they would wait for me!!

Shaggy and Scooby High Jinx

2006-07-12T16:11:00.000-07:00

Photo of the day

Do you think we will get caught??

I dont know Goergy but why did you drag me along

Because Dad said Im gonna need a scapegoat when we get caught stealing all the stem cells and dump them in the river.

Whats a scapegoat Goergy??

Just shut up and stand gaurd.......I have a box of scooby snacks in the car.

Ro Kay Goergy Ro Kay.

I think I just got it in the butt

2006-07-12T16:08:00.000-07:00

Well let me start by just letting out a good scream..............
..............................................................................................................
.............................................................................................................

Ok I think Ill also my vomit but Ill wait till later.

We just met with a contractor...
. His name is Dan

I just had to write Dan a check for 26 Grand

I feel like I just got it in the butt.............

We are getting a new roof..............2500 square feet of roof to be exact. Along with 100 some odd pieces of plywood its costing a small fortune.
Our current roof is the original 100 year old cedar shake.............
It used to have shingles over it, till the big wind storm in January

This was my roof prior to that wind storm

Now the shingles are all gone and the cedar shake is left.

New chimney, ours has more holes then a Bangkok Hooker

New Gutters we currently have some tree's growing in ours..........

And lots of fun permits from crooked town officials!!

Cant leave Good Ole Shaggy out can we??

Anyway..........................

In 3 weeks I get to bitch about contractors ripping up my yard, house and destroying my rose bushes........Oh what fun!!

They will be calling me tomorrow to let me know what day they will be here..
.

On a side note.....this guy is a family friend. He found Jesus and is as honest and pure as snow.........so we trust him

Although I wonder where he found Jesus

AMEN

Penciled Dreams

2006-06-17T15:56:00.000-07:00

I dreamt in black and white sketches

Tumbling thoughts, penciled in faces flicker in my minds eye

Speckles of laughter fell from the captions on the misty pages of the glancing moment

A glimmer of you in the pen and ink

The moment the words fell from the wound

that bled this night onto me

I dreamt in black and white sketches

Black and white dreams of you filled my night

One falling into another, stumbling slumber swept me away

To a black and white night

With you.

Two Turns To One

2006-06-17T06:06:00.000-07:00

Standing somewhere on the edge of my end
I think back to these words that came from my pen
Two seconds to fall is all it would take
Two seconds to fall and these walls they would break
A smile that mirrors the warm glow of the sun
Melted the tower that was built to escape a lonely love
One soul recognized the other I know that its true
Friends for eternity for all we have been through
Two seconds to fall is all it would take
Two seconds turned to one as these walls started to quake
One second is all left to end this martyrs plight
If I thought about loving you for the rest of my life

Who am I

2006-06-10T21:41:00.000-07:00

Who are you I ask
Who am I he answers
Searching
Wanting
Longing for release

Who are you I ask
Who am I you answer
I am you, you are me
That is no answer he screams
As she disappears into the mist

Your journey is a long one
It spans a million years
When the answer falls around you
You will weep a million tears

Who are you I ask
Who am I you roar
You are the journeyman
The moments slip away
Into the grey
Day turns to night, night turns to day

Weary traveler searching
Fighting for a cause
Never giving up never giving pause

Then one day a revelation
In the form of a white dove
The word forms from your soul
The word it is Love

Appearing wrapped in light
Her tears fall like rain
But they fall from joy
Not from pain

Who are you she ask
Who am I he says
I am you, you are me
I know the meaning
It came from up above
She whispers tell me now
He answers we are love.

Right Brain - Big Brain - Slow Train choo choo

2006-06-10T14:36:00.000-07:00

Spanning a lifetime I look back upon my years on this earth as surreal.

The moments I have had

The people I have come into contact with

The men I have loved

The places I have been

The children I have been given.

The one thing that amazes me most is the beauty of life. Every rocky road leads to a golden highway, every hard battle fought is an amazing lesson learned.

When we are given our lives on the day of conception or birth however you look at it, we are given an infinite amount of choices.

We can chose at any given moment to make a choice to do one of an infinite amount of things. How incredibly beautiful is that?

What sways us to choose what we do, mood, outside opinions, brain chemistry, a split second decision is usually based on pure instinct, what sways our instinct.

As we get older we can make split second decisions based on experience and reasoning, the amount of energy our brains exude at points like that must be incredibly immense. To be able to imagine what process chemically the brain goes through in a split second is astounding.

What causes some adults to make poor choices and some to always seem to be on top of the world. Brain chemistry?? Lessons learned from parents? A more connected thought process.

Ever have a friend who made decisions and based his end result at 5 years down the road.

Ever have a friend that based his decisions on the end results in 5 minutes?

What makes one think more Logically that they can for-see an end result years from now, and Passionate thinkers who think of only tomorrow.............

Which one are you ??

What can we do to be more logical, or more passionate...............I think it all has to do with chemistry and electricity.
The world runs on it, so do we.

So does this eliminate the fate factor.....do we make our own fate?? I believe so.
Being we are entities that run on electrical impulses, and energy can be transferred...........how much of an influence to we have on our outside world.

The possibilities in the life you are given are endless, how have you taken advantage of your choices?

What do you think.............what is your brain telling you now?

Rest in Peace

2006-06-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

Rest in Peace Funny Man

http://www.myspace.com/tastes_like_burning

Is Writing Like Sex?

2006-06-01T09:03:00.000-07:00

Ever sat down around midnight and just poured words onto paper? Its like a brain orgasm when its good. It's nights like that, I want to hold onto forever and not stop writing. I finally finished the outline for my book last night. If any of you remember I started completely over a few months ago when I had someone edit and completely screwed up my head as far as my story line. My story all of a sudden wasnt my vision and I couldnt make the changes that were suggested. So I started over with the idea in mind to not make it so historical, so I dont have to be so history correct, and made it more fiction.
If your wondering what its about, think Wuthering Heights but in the times of Camelot. War, love, and death.
Midnight is my Muse II
A silent echo through the night
New born thoughts stolen in flight
A clock strike's twelve and hits a chord
Moving away instead of toward
Grab my hand come with me
Beyond this realm you will be free
Follow my lead he speaks with dark eyes
Feel the blackness of night deep in your mind
Close your eyes lift your face
Come with me to this special place
Absorb the breeze you feel in your soul
Bow to the night, answer the call
Fire and passion, words burst forth
Onto this paper with a vigilent force
Swirling colors in black and gold
Speaking of tales never before told
Feel the momentum, the rise and fall
Feel your energy, answer the call
The climax comes, loud and strong
The words pour onto the paper before long
You put down your pen and wait for the sun
Cherish these times that keep you young
The sweet morning air comes to intrude
Chasing away your beautiful muse.

Midnight is my Muse II

2006-06-01T07:02:00.000-07:00

A silent echo through the night
New born thoughts stolen in flight

A clock strike's twelve and hits a chord
Moving away instead of toward

Grab my hand come with me
Beyond this realm you will be free

Follow my lead he speaks with dark eyes
Feel the blackness of night deep in your mind

Close your eyes lift your face
Come with me to this special place

Absorb the breeze you feel in your soul
Bow to the night, answer the call

Fire and passion, words burst forth
Onto this paper with a vigilent force

Swirling colors in black and gold
Speaking of tales never before told

Feel the momentum, the rise and fall
Feel your energy, answer the call

The climax comes, loud and strong
The words pour onto the paper before long

You put down your pen and wait for the sun
Cherish these times that keep you young

The sweet morning air comes to intrude
Chasing away your beautiful muse.

The Burn of Creation.....Together

2006-06-01T07:01:00.000-07:00

Afternoon musings............................
I have a 6th sense, its keen and sharp and has never failed me once.
I sense evil afoot in the form of naricissism.
It wasnt hard to pick out, you just have to be more aware to see it.
Why do some people push the envelope in life. Push it to the point that they want to test themselves. Going up again evil time and time again.
Fighting the allure instead of the guns and war?
I used to be one of these people, sometimes I still sense myself pushing that envelope, but Ive been bloodied and scarred too much to jump back into a war with my soul. Im enjoying the sun.
When one pushes the envelope so far, pushing themselves to the brink of jumping over that edge, we tend to forget who else we may be pushing away.
You never see it till its too late, you step back from that ledge and turn around and you realize, the reason it has gotten so deathly quiet is you have finally once again pushed your relationships to the point of extinction.
Is it selfish?? Is it self serving?? Is it the only way for you to feel anything worth while??
Is the usual too usual for you, do you crave the searing burn of the war.
Just one question, is it worth the loss, can you grieve once more in life over the death of something you have killed.
I think the only way to make it work and if you do make it work you are lucky, is to invite your love into the war with you. Fight together and go into the fire.
Love is the only thing that will ever win any war.

Celibacy

2006-06-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

I finally felt my toes touch the ground
Yet swept away by a river of nothing.
Swirling in an empty pool.
Echo's resound on the banks of my life.
Tired and flacid the warrior that once stood tall
Empty and dark the castle it stormed
Longing for a dance, a puppet on a string
Faithful, faithless, a fallen angel in a sea of liquid life.

In The End

2006-05-01T06:58:00.000-07:00

In the end Current mood: peaceful Category: Writing and Poetry
In the End.............
Darkness let in through the door
Empty echos fall to the floor
People chatter not hearing a word they say
The ghosts and demons have come to play
I cannot run and hide anymore
So I stand and greet them at the door
We dance the dance Ive avoided too long
In the past always thinking it was wrong
I know better now I welcome them in
They are my companions, not my sin
The screams bursting, the sounds so grim
Are only heard deep within
They hold my hands and guide me though
To another day of becoming who
Im meant to be, I was put here for
Without it all, my life would be poor
Ive followed the stars all my life from above
And in the end All there is, is Love

PS. This is a poem about accepting all of who you are and being true to yourself and not living by the guidelines of the status quo. We all hide away pieces of us, afraid of showing who we truly are inside, when in reality it is all of those things who make us who we truly are today.
So accept who you are, the good the bad and the ugly and love every part of yourself, and only then can you truly let love into your heart, and in the end, all there will be is love.

Christiana Grace

2006-05-01T06:57:00.000-07:00

White shades of porcelain dance on her skin
Dreams flutter so softly behind her lids
Long ashen curls grace her pinkened cheek
Her essence like a young bubbling creek
Fresh cotton linens fold around her still form
Her breath soft as silk, dewy and warm
I watch her has she lies in slumber and sleeps
I wish to run in the dreams she keeps
To chase the rainbows to the moon
To sing along in perfect tune
When she finally is to awake
The sun will shine upon her face
I will breath the scent of youth in her hair
And spend the rest of my life with a soul so rare.
I love you my child you are my heart and soul
My greatest honor in life was to create your mold
Someday when I am old and grey
I pray to watch you have your own to raise
But for now I hold onto these days
In which have been given to me with grace.

Kiss of Life

2006-05-01T06:56:00.001-07:00

Every day is the edge of the end
Life passes by with a flash
We're all just a speck on this page of dispair
Most of us trying to mesh
When we listen to the air we breath
We can hear beyond our years
Stop and listen to the air you breath
What is it that you fear
A life of living for a cause
Yet to be announced
A life dying with every breath
Yet to feel an ounce
Into the deep we all will slip
Someday to find the answer
What we will find is yet known
So for now we are all just dancers
In a life we are put for a moment
For some mystery to be told
We all watch each other
Pass each day and grow old
So live each day while listening
To the wind and to the breeze
Embrace yourself, love yourself
I wonder if life is just a tease
For what will come the day we fall
Into the deep abyss
We can only dream and wonder
If life is like a kiss

The King of Martyrs

2006-05-01T06:56:00.000-07:00

The King Of Martyrs
Your tears fall like rain
You try and feel the pain
Why is it you feel
You must try and heal
All the wounded souls
Left scattered by the wind
The wind is not fickle
Life is one big sin
You cheat yourself and martyr
your own soul away
I am here to tell you
You deserve better
Not to torture yourself so
True love will only find you
When you truly let go
Throw down all your shackles
Fly and be free
Only then will you know
where you were meant to be

Broken

2006-05-01T06:55:00.000-07:00

A tear drop falls from the crystal depths.
A sigh escapes the garnet lips.
Hair hangs down like a curtain of topaz.
Heart shattered in pieces like glass.
Memories fall like jade from a broken string.
Ebony anger strung with fire red ruby's.
As the scream escapes her pearl splits in two.
Surrounded by the pieces of her treasure,
Her life scatters across the floor.

Day Dreams in The Night

2006-05-01T06:54:00.001-07:00

Rubble lay before my feet, I looked up to the moon.
My world had been destroyed by one, It ended all to soon.
Wild images churn in this head, panic upon my lips;
I look behind I look ahead, Trying to remember the trip.
Wounds of crimson glint so bright in the darkness of this night.
Which way to run, I cannot hide, for I fear, its me, deep inside.
Blackness blankets the other side, the side from which I run;
The one that turned this fortress to rubble, is one that blocks the sun
Gathering strength I gasp irony in, a smirk upon my lips.
Just another one of those nasty head trips.
I blink, I sigh, I look around remembering this place.
I go back go back to typing out this poem, remembering your face.

The Muse

2006-05-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

Intense raw emotion gripped the souls of few tonight;
Awash in a massive explosion of creativity until mornings light;
Some will look sideways, shaking their heads with disbelief;
Some will look on longingly waiting for their turn and relief;
The one's who were the chosen connected with the night;
The one's who were the chosen shake it off in the morning light;
Entwined in the arms of their lover exploring that other place;
Feel the energy channel, from another time and another space;
When the last stanza plays, the music comes to an end;
They drop what they are doing, step back to see how it blends;
Colors lay before you, on you and within;
Another night with her has come to an end;
Don your clothes and mask and run into the day;
When you come back later she will be begging you to play.

Head Wounds Bleed Alot and so does my Heart

2006-04-25T14:26:00.000-07:00

........So today is going to be the day from hell.
Last night around ohhhhhhh 1 am when I couldnt get my daughter to go to sleep due to her innate ability to pick up on Mommies over abundance of caffiene in her system, Mommy took the little boobala into bed with her.
Little boobala then proceeded to slam her head into the window sill and I have never ever been sprayed with blood before, but holy shit if I wasnt covered from forehead to belly button within 2 seconds.
So I freak out and run to the bathroom with her and put a wet wash cloth on her head, she is screaming, husband is in his usual oxyconten, ambien induced stagger freaking out, although he is so fucked he doesnt quite know what he is freaking out about. So I clean her up and Ill be damned if there wasnt this teeny tiny gash on the back of her head.
Now mind you Im covered, dripping with blood.
So I rememeber, head wounds bleed worse for some reason. Ok so I stop freaking out, look at her eyes, compare them to Daddies and figure he is the one who may need an ambulance.
We go back to bed and I stay up ALL night watching her sleep in case I was the asshole who didnt call 911 and she has a massive brain bleed or something.
So all is well she is breathing nice and steady as of morning light.
And then it happens..............shit for brains decides "IN CASE" I need to take her to the dr's today to have that Teeny Tiny gash looked at he is going to stay home so he is here for the kids after school.
I knew my feeling of impending doom yesterday was for a reason.
Well with that being said, I am taking her to the Dr's today, if not to make SURE she is ok, just to get out of the fucking house for a few hours.
Ok im done, back to your regularly scheduled programming, and you, ya you there that hates the bitching and moaning, thanks for sticking around.
Life happens.

Ghosts in my tears

2006-04-23T12:03:00.000-07:00

I drip sweet images of your face from my lashes
My reality a facade crumbles and crashes

Down around me my kingdom falls
Held together by string and straw

Brown orbs flecked with gold
Intensity burns a story to be told

We made sense
We fit
We were just right
What is it that made you not want to fight
You gave up on us you took to flight

You will never know how you broke my heart
With one sentence my life was ripped apart

I drifted and stumbled through the rest of those years
Adrift on a river made of my tears

Beaten and scarred I rose from the ashes
With images of you still on my lashes

I never forgot you, your always right here
Just in the shadows just one of my ghosts that I hear

They beckon and call me out in the night
Memories of you shining bright

My beacon in the darkness I shall follow
A few moments with them they allow me to borrow

Time with the image of the one on my lashes
And it starts all over
The facade crumbles and crashes

Ashes

2006-04-21T18:05:00.000-07:00

Ashes to ashes dust to dust
A love for you formed from lust
Dead before its climax came
A look back our bodies entwined with shame
A brief solar flare, hot and quick
Over before the love could stick
Ashes to ashes dust to dust
Can love be mistakened from such lust
The fires that burn the brightest are over
Before we pass the stage of lovers
Skin still holds a memory of you
pressed to me, me to you
Ashes to ashes dust to dust
A poem written by my lust

Drowning in you

2006-04-21T18:04:00.000-07:00

Covered in a blanket of us
I drip deep thoughts
and weep wet sorrow.
My lips are smeared with a memory
My hands clenched tightly beat a wall
Red drops of anger run down my arms
A scream from my throat
The sleeping souls awaken
Grieving you over and over
My head breaks through
I gasp air, like liquid it fills me
I sink again
A hand reaching
calling
Begging
Pleading
I turn swim away
Water is warm I say
I will stay a little longer
A voice..............singing like a siren
In wait.

Dopey Didnt Satisfy This Woman Tonight

2006-04-21T05:45:00.000-07:00

Ok so its 4 change in the morning Ive been tossing and turning for an hour, the birds are chirping and Harvey and his crew of bacteria laden hoodlums are due any moment to retrieve the weeks garbage from in front of the house.
Every time I closed my eyes to go back to sleep all I could think was, Harvey and his merry beer guzzling midgets will be hooten and holleren any minute now and will just reawaken my sorry ass again.
So I opted out of sleep tonight, I should have popped a little blue pill but they made me really cranky the last time and Im not in the mood for picking unreasonable fights with my husband, plus its no fun arguing with a sleeping man anyway, they dont fight back.
So here I am, yours for the next few moments.
I was going to write a poem, but Its not whats on my mind.
I was going to read some blogs, but Im not really focus'ed enough to appreciate any of them right now.
I was going to write about Dopey the Life Insurance salesmen that showed up at my house tonight at 7:30 and somebody forgot to tell me he was coming and the hubster wasnt home yet.
Dopey sat at my dining room table...a grown man of 46..giving me his opinion on everyone that is on American Idol. I was dumbfounded. This was better then the lawyer who wouldnt drink any coffee because it would have made him pee all the way home.
Dopey then told me his wife left him for a cop.
Dopey also told me he could never satisfy his wife, that she even felt her 190.00 hair cuts werent good enough.
Dopey also told me he wasnt here to make a fortune off of us he just wanted to protect my family and then at the end of the night he drove off in a Jaguar.
Dopey was a moron who told me more about his life then how to protect my family and assets and just skimmed over the Annuity Funds when I told him thats what really interested me. (12 percent yield a year is no joke).
Dopey left with an unsigned contract, my opinion of all of the American Idols, and not one penny of my money.
For me it was a very lucritive evening. I kept him here long enough for my husband to get home and be annoyed also. Oh what fun.
He sat and spewed numbers at my husband...whom just sat there mouth breathing due to his 3 hour wait at motor vehicle.
Dopey had no clue he was talking to a brick wall.
Dopey had no clue GIAYF was not the numbers person of this family.
Dopey never picked up on who makes the decisions.
He was so honed in on just speaking with "clueless", he completely missed the boat.
Must be why Dopeys wife left him.....Dopey did not satisfy this wife tonight either.
Dopey needs to pay more attention.
So this time I will call a finance person, this time I will make the appt. and we shall see what happens.
Did anyone realize the S&P 500 Annuities yield 12 percent on the average annually?
Dopey really fucked up.

Echo of the Day

2006-04-21T05:44:00.000-07:00

Memories of you linger with the pieces of me that never forgot
Life became complicated when my mind realized it was simple
People wait for no one
Love waits forever
Unsatisfied searching for what you never found
What is it you run from, you numb from
What is it you want for, you daunt for
Do you feel me smell me taste me burn for me
I know that feeling, that one surrounds your face
The unsatisfied longing of something you have never found
Is it there.............in the bottom..............of a bottle
Temporary relief from a self inflicted wound to your soul
I think not, I feel not, I bleed not
Echo's of the day you left on your quest into her
Stains from my tears burned my life for the next nine years
You never knew, how much I love you still
You never cared how much I love you still
You were searching, running, failing, and sailing
A gift you never took, I hung back on a hook
Cast back into a sea, to see what would come back to me
A love you cast into a tide, but from this you cannot run and hide
Because in the end, it all comes back around
Its love and it knows no bounds
So I quote the man with wings of a dove
In the end, all there is, is love.

Last Wish

2006-04-17T15:30:00.000-07:00

Feeling my own hot breath
blood courses through my veins
I turn to look
and all I feel is pain
I see you in the shadows
I feel you on my skin
I smell you in the air,
thoughts of you are my sin
One wish I would have
if my days were to end
To lie and look into your eyes
So my heart would mend
To know that this endless feeling
would somehow be confirmed
As the love I always knew we had
never ended but still burned.
Sometimes late at night
I look up at the sky
and take comfort in the fact
Our love has never died.
So someday in the future
if you ever recieve the call
Beckoning you to come and take one last fall
Back into my eyes and grant me my desire
I only want to die while feeling the fire.

Un-named

2006-04-12T09:07:00.000-07:00

Un-Named

Swirls of grey blanket my mind
Soft thoughts reverberate just behind

Trying to forget the nothingness of what had been
Trying to remember the something that never filtered in

An illusion of its own making, images we portray
A lie that beholds us with the game we play

The game of life beckons us a time or two
The enlightened ones are lucky to me, to you

But what about wisdom, strategies we play out
They teach us in the long run not to flail about

The trials and pain that pave our way
Are all a path to an even more brilliant day

The day the swirls of grey lift
The veil of blindness begins to slip

We stand and look up to the sky
The light of life like a prism in our eyes

True love will only come when we reach into that place
For thats only when we can show our true face.

Thank you to all that have passed through this haze
For it lead me to you and the most beautiful day

Ill trade you one boob for a nose ring and raise you a diamond stud

2006-04-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

Ok I had a discussion with my best friend Cat. In my completely twisted mind of everything is good all the time no matter what happens, I have made a decision.
If...........IF....If only if...and I am thinking Im gonna be ok and all, they have to cut off one of my fabulous boobs, I am getting my nose pierced.
Cute little diamond stud....Ill get a nice tan and take on the exotic look.
I already have the bohemian clothes to pull off the whole look.
Ok thats all. Excuse my manic mood, Ill be better later, plus im on my second POT of coffee.
But seriously, ive always wanted a nose ring and I think its giving me something to look foward to.
But I still think im going to be fine. Ok im going now....really...I am....ok
Poooooooooooooooooof

The Ruining of a Mall and Boob Man all in one day (what fun!!)

2006-04-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

Today is the day.
No more putting it off like I have since January. No more excuses, no more tomorrows.
Today I go to the Boob Man.
I have discussed with a friend and I am hoping I do not scar this man for life, for I have the most glorious boobies ever. Everything a 39 DD could ever have and then some, they are fabulous and I love them.
Why do I love my boobies so much?? Because in all reality I have no ass. Its true, ask anyone who knows me. Ill never forget the day I was pregnant with my 5 year old and I was in the kitchen and my husband said "Holy Shit" I said "What" he said" You finally have an ass"!!
Apparently I had some pregnency hormone that created this temporary ass. It lasted 5 or 6 months tops then as soon as it had deflated, my ass just fell off one day. You know that commercial where the kids are on the beach and they find that ass in the sand??? yup that was mine.
So living a life of a "no ass women" I have grown to be very attached to my boobs. I dont ever go anywhere without them, they are loved by many and have even started a war or two, in the grocery between a misc husband and wife, but I didnt know them so I dont care, anywho.
If I go to the Boob Man and he has to examine my magnificent melons I am feeling he may never look at his wife the same way again, unless he is gay, or he is a she and then she will feel inadequate. Oh my if he isnt married I feel sorry for his future girlfriends.
So with that being said, my breasts and I will be out bouncing around town today. Im also going to the mall clothes shopping with my Mommy afterward.
Unless the Boob Man doesnt deliver the news I want to hear, then I will be sawing them off with a butter knife because after all of these years they will have turned against me. Who needs them right??
Ok so I digress. To the mall shopping, little capri's, tank tops, maybe some new undies......new jammies, I love jammies.
Oh who the hell and I kidding I hate fucking shopping. Im being dragged by my shopaholic mother and her love of the credit card and low interest rates!
Pray for me the shopping will be worse then the Dr.
But Im leaving kids home with hubby and getting a night out.
Love you all, especially you right there in that office chair. Ya you, you know who you are.
Disclaimer: Any typo's are to be referred to the lack of coffee in the blood stream of this person at this god awful early hour

Dancing Naked Outside The Box

2006-04-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

Life, its weird sometimes, just when you think you have all of your brain cells, emotions, heart, soul, and whatever else you can think of in complete balance something comes along and hits you in the back of the head like the Italian grandmother, and says "Hey wake up" your not paying attention!
So I say, "Hey I am paying attention I was just enjoying the rewards of what I have sowed for so long".
And the imaginary Italian grandmother says "Heyyyy what makes you so smart you think you are done learning lifes lessons"? "You think complacency is going to get you anywhere?" "Wake up pay attention you dont know everything" And I think "yet".
So life has other plans
Is life a series of lessons and conquests? Conquests meaning, you need to conquer your moments, your fears, and diversities. I am really thinking that.
Its become so apparent in my life I have to wonder what is it Im getting ready for. What is it that I have come so far and learned so much for. Because I cant believe we all go through this awesome ride only to stop breathing one day and its over.
The profound events in my life make me marvel each day. Some people slug through life and get by happy with the mundane existence of never stepping outside of their box. I guess Im one who likes to dance around the box naked, so when I try and climb in and sit down, the box spits me back out and says, we dont want your kind here, you will upset the balance of mundane, so go dance your dance and only when you have taken your last breath will you understand what each dance step meant.
So I was thrown back out of the box this week. Im dancing naked again. Exposing myself in my words again.
Life is such a wonderful muse.

Devotion

2006-04-10T07:00:00.000-07:00

Swirling in a sea of oblivion

One more pill to kill the pain

Standing at the edge of no return

Her teardrops fall like rain

The time has slipped by

No one noticed

The passion die a little each day

When did this happen

This complacency of just going on our way

A simple nod a grunt of hello

A peck on the cheek

The fire has burned so low

Habit has formed in three little words

I love you

Words spoken only from the edge of our lips

I feel your dark

I understand this trip

Helpless am I to stop your pain

My strength is sapped from years of strain

Ive been through this before

I have nothing to say

I cannot give I cannot pay

Standing outside of yourself looking in

You only see you, your obsession, your sin

There is no room for me in a life full of pain

My tear drops will no longer fall like rain.

Honor and devotion

will keep me locked in this cage

I will stand by you

Till our last days

Fanning a fire that dims with the days

Pushing and prodding to look up from your pain

Ill never give up on you my friend

Because I know you would stand by me till the end

Realization

2006-04-10T06:59:00.000-07:00

Standing and gazing

Up toward the light

Engulfed in the power and love of life

Casting aside the mountain

We carried on our heart

Admitting fault for carrying it so far

Giving up the chaos and turmoil can be

Harder then living in peace and with me

When learning to walk away from a storm

You are forced to face your life

And what may be wrong

But with this you have given yourself a new chance

To welcome the light

The love once again

Keep walking my child

Never look behind

Love will then find you

It will happen in time

Find the key to you

You need not look far

Its burns bright in yourself

Like a shooting star

My Angel

2006-04-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

Missing You

How could I have known
How much of me missed you
Till you reappeared
Your soulful presence
Your wisdom
Your love of all that is good
Reminding me
That in the end all there is, is love
Ive been searching for days
For something I couldnt find
And there you were
My friend
You are a part of me
Part of who I am today
My Angel

Someday

2006-04-03T09:03:00.000-07:00

Someday when Im strong
I want to crumble into oblivion
To see your face
Reverberate in my mind
To face the truth
To dispel the lies
To cast the games aside
Someday when Im strong
This swell I hold
For fear of my heart
Will shatter with the force
Of the power that beholds us
Someday when Im strong
Ill face the love
A coward I am
To hide from love
Afraid to feel taste smell
Its a coward that hides from you.
Someday when im strong
Ill open the door
Face the fire
And be consumed once again
Someday I'll tell my heart its ok to love you
Someday

The hills are alive with the sound of......... nothing

2006-01-24T16:51:00.001-08:00

Need to get out of the hills.
I think Im going to drag my husband down to New York City one weekend in the very near future.
I grew up 13 miles outside of Manhatten and just love the city.
Have you ever just stood on a street in New York and felt the city around you? You can. It vibrates and hums with life and energy like you wouldnt believe.
We used to go down almost every weekend then we forgot how to use birth control and I became The Old Women In The Shoe and it got to be a little to much trouble to even get to the corner store, never mind the city.
The last time I was down was in the spring of 2005, we went to a Yankee game then down to Times Square for a pizza and to Toys R Us, which is amazing in itself, 3 stories and a ferris wheel in the middle. A real candyland full of candy and people all over demostrating toys. A 30 foot dinasour that roars and moves and GI Joes that scale a wall up and down continuously. A whole room just for Barbi and a huge Lego Castle. Its an amazing place.
One of my favorite places in the city is Washington Square Park. The guys playing chess are more reliable then time itself, they are always there, the acrobats in the middle or the dancers putting on a show, I even saw a few comedians down there trying to spread the word of their name.I am bringing my camera and I would love to get a few candid shots of some of the people in the park.
The freaks and geeks of the Village are wonderful and there is a sidewalk cafe you can get a great burger at and have a beer and people watch for hours.
So if your close to the City and want to cause some trouble and get some real chinese food with me in a few weeks let me know.
I need to charge my battery with the energy of the city, Im due.

Disfunction junction whats your function

2006-01-24T16:51:00.000-08:00

Well, today was a day for the books.
I had a friend over for the day, it was supposed to be a day of girl talk, and comparing sewing projects, and a nice dinner.
Lets start with the fact my daughter decided she was going to be a big girl and stay up all night.
Ok so I watched teletubbies and Boobah till 4 am in the dark trying to her her to go to sleep.
I wake up at 10 am on the couch in a half assed position, she was on the floor on her little couch thing with pillows and blankets, apparently the husband found us snoozing and put her down afraid she would fall off the big couch.
So I had a kink in my neck and an incredibly strong desire to shave the sweater off my tongue that grew there over night.
I get up, go brush my teeth, pour a cup of coffee and thank god for the automatic timer.
Start cleaning and the family rises and all go outside, it was 60 degrees yaaa.
I figure Ill get alot done before Barbara gets here. I make a peach pie. The doorbell rings, I completely forget my daughters Occupational therapist is coming. So I let her in and she takes over with her for an hour
I run upstairs and take off all my clothes and im going to get in the shower.
I hear........MOMMMMMMMMMM DAD NEEDS YOU.......
This cant be good. I put on some clothes and got outside.
The fence, trellace and grape vine are all lying in the neighbors yard.
Uh oh
We had a ferocious wind storm and this was the result.
He needs my help putting it all back together and getting this array of heavy vines back on top.
I think, I have an hour and a half before Barb gets here this better be quick.
I ended up being the "hold this" person.
We got it done in an hour.
I rush inside, the girl leaves, pull the pie out of the oven. I hop in a 5 minute shower, run downstairs and start a spaghettie sauce.
She comes at 2, we have a glorious 2 hours of quilty fun, and thats when the shit hits the fan........................
The Outlaws show up.
Da da da daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I set 2 extra places at dinner. We all eat, have dessert and thats when we realized my father in law forgot to take his meds today. He is quite belligerent and my husband is having a hell of a time not telling him to shut the fuck up. He takes his pills, valium, prozac, whatever he needs to get through the day, but its wayyy to late at this point.
He gets into a rip roaring fight with my husband and he got my husband so upset, he could barely talk. He was fighting with him over something about his dead grandmother, who has been dead for over 10 years.
The kids were crying, and my quiet innocent non italian friend is just sitting there saying, its ok, I dont mind I finally get to see this family in action first hand.
The Outlaws leave and my husband has blocked there phone numbers and faxed them a letter stating we never want to hear from them again.
We did this once before. It was the most peaceful year of my life.
My friend Barb stayed for another hour and we had a nice chat.
Then I got to call Karen and whine about it for an hour.
Thank god its over, WHAT A BUNCH OF LUNATICS.
My poor husband went and sat in a chair for an hour and didnt move or talk, I thought he was dead.
He said that he has had enough of them and there disfunction. When they made the kids cry that was the last straw.
The end

Friends are like angels

2006-01-24T16:49:00.000-08:00

When in my darkest hours
I cowered in a corner
Trapped by fear
God was watching
I felt a presence
I looked up from the dark
And I saw a hand
The hand of an Angel
He helped me up
And coaxed me along
Whispering in my ear
when things didnt make sense
When I couldnt see the path in front
He shouted over my own noise
To guide me along
I was never alone
I found my way
When I reached the destiny of me
He turned and walked away
An angel
to guide my fallen spirit
Now take our hands
We are whispering in your ear
We will shout over your noise
We will help you find the way
To you.
Let us be your Angels
Remember your own words In the end all there is, is love.

Boredom

2006-01-24T16:48:00.000-08:00

Boredom
Darkness blankets my mind
The droning of the voices running through my head
The feeling of my eyelids flutter under the weight my disinterest
The conversation runs around outside of my attention
Then flits away never to be heard again
The only voice clear in my head is my own.
The utterence of the occasion ah ha
The voice in my head screams STOP

Silvers Soul 2

2006-01-15T16:04:00.000-08:00

Silvers Soul

Silvers Soul dances on the moors in the soft glow of the shimmering moon
Flitting across the sky
like a shooting star
in the blackness of night
Her soul aching and burning,
waiting for him to come over to the other side
She transcends time and waits
in the darkness, condemned to this place that is nowhere,
yet everywhere all at once.
Forced to watch
the golden glow
of life and love
she gave up to save him
from the war
between both worlds
she belonged to.
Amy Peek-Domestico 2006©

Free

2006-01-15T16:03:00.000-08:00

Free
Would you like to dance
across the mountains
on moonbeams made of silver and gold

Would you like to seranade the stars
Songs that bleed the blood of truth
With the love from your heart

Would you like to fly
through the black night sky
and throw painted stars from a pallet of trust

Would you like to swim
through the mist on the moors
with the dolphins of hopes and dreams

Would you like to soar high
above the mountains and the clouds
With Eagels made from feathers of joy

Climb from your dungeon
And flee from the fear
the shackles made of snakes that held you there

Come into the night and follow your soul
Dance across the mountains
on moonbeams made of silver and gold
Amy Peek-Domestico 2006©

Walking the line

2006-01-08T08:02:00.000-08:00

Walking the line
After reading a blog this morning I made a small realization. There is a fine line that is drawn between creativity and insanity. Im sure many of you already know this and live with it daily.
I saw someone refer to themself as a phsycopath and could clearly see she was just an incredibly intellegent women with an amazing creative ability who was just having a bad time of it. Peering over the edge of the line and looking around.
Thats what we do isnt it? Most days we walk beside the line knowing it there, ignoring it, if we pretend its not there it will not be right?
Then there are the days we jump up on that line with a dramatic fashion and threaten to jump. We dare our sane side to screw with us anymore and let us be and create like we want to.
Then there are the days we teeter unmercifully too far gone to make a decision on which side to be so we wobble and weave and finally reality crashes back in on us and we fall back into life.
Then there are the very few, very obsolete days or nights we finally say fuck it all and back up 50 feet and take a running dive straight over to the other side.
Funny thing though, we unknowingly managed to tie a rope to the other side and find our way back when we are done.
So does this make us insane?? Or is it all in a days work for people who think with the left side of their brain.
I wonder if we took all people who have been hospitalized for unexplained mental illness and gave them a creative outlet, what would happen to them, would they find relief in their pain and suffering and finally feel like they have been free'd. Im not talking about the ones with clear obvious problems, and I dont want to get into diagnosis.
I think anyone who creates will delve into every part of their phyce and test the waters of every aspect of themselves. Its a given, creative people are curious, brave, world travelers of themselves and there own phyche. I think right brain thinkers lack the balls or ambition or reasons to do it.
Am I wrong? Or am I crazy LOL.

5000 pieces ages 8 and up

2006-01-07T20:47:00.000-08:00

5000 pieces ages 8 and up
Life reminds me one of those really big puzzles. The kind that the pieces are really small and you have to reach a certain age to be able to figure it out. You try putting some pieces in places they dont belong, you keep trying with similar pieces and they dont fit, then finally you find the piece that fits, and you move onto another piece forgetting about the piece before. You can forget it, you put it together already and there is no need to dwell on that piece anymore.
Occasionally you drop a piece, look for it for days, then you find it right in plain sight under your table. Wondering why you missed it so many times, you had looked there already. Maybe you werent ready for that piece yet.
The outside pieces are the easiest, its the inside that will give you the most grief. Just like a person, you can put on makeup and nice clothes, but you may be in pieces on the inside.
Some pieces go together so easily, your suprised when it happens and they fit so perfect you have to check a couple of times to make sure they really did fit it was that easy.
Then you get almost the whole entire puzzle together and you realize your missing a few more pieces. These pieces will haunt you for a long time. Till you finally find them. One was under a chair, one ended up behind a door, etc. You finally put the last piece in. Relief its done. WOW cool picture. You feel a sense of completeness, you feel triumphant. You show everyone who comes in to your domain what you have done.
But, there is always a but
There is a sense of loss. The puzzle is done. What is next. You are sitting, with an empty box and a complete picture in front of you.
If your smart you sit back and enjoy the picture, put some glue on it, frame it and show it off for many years to come.
If your one who bores easily you take the whole thing apart and start over again, thinking you have done it once it should be easier the second time. It never is, its always a struggle. Fighting that puzzle over and over gets mighty old mighty quick. Because you will always end up with the same picture if you do it right.
Then there are the ones who go out and buy a new puzzle, even though you already have a stack of them 4 feet high in the closet. Never happy with the original puzzle. Always striving for bigger and better. Those are the ones who like excitement and to experience new things in life never satisfied, unquenchable thirst for living on the edge.
Which puzzle person are you? Im going to find out what kind I am soon.
Im hoping for number one. Ive already been 2 and 3.

A Lamplight in the Dark

2006-01-07T14:28:00.000-08:00

A lamplight in the dark
For many many months I have contimplated sharing a story. Too me a very beautiful, sweet, passionate, ugly, violent story. I felt if I could write it all down for everyone to see I could say to myself I am finally at peace with it.
I did I wrote it all down over a two day period. It wiped me out, I actually napped today, I never nap.
I shared it with one person. One person who may be able to do some good with it for someone else. If I can save one person from the darkness that plagued my life for so many years then I feel writing it was all worth it.
I realized something about myself these past few days when thinking about this first, then writing about it. I have spent many years looking at someone else blaming them for many many things that happened to me. I was baffled by not being able to figure some things out. I spent many sleepless night, many days dosed up on valium in the past few months turning things over and over in my head, having nightmares, contemplated leaving my family, I even thought death would end my pain at one point. Not that I could ever do that but it was a thought when nothing was getting rid of the turmoil in my heart and soul. When mapping out a life on paper these past few days, I realized something very very vital.
I was the cause of my own problems.
What it all went back to was me. The answer to every question, the place at the end of every road I traveled down all lead back to me.
None of it would have happened without the one problem I lived with for many years.
So all of the months of looking outward for answers the answer lay within myself.
I had an addiction. It was not drugs, it was not alcohol, although I did drink for a while to numb some pain back in the 90's to blind myself from the harsh reality of my life. It was not anything chemical.
I have realized my past is best left behind me. I realize I am the ruler of my world, and the only one who can do any harm to me is me when all is said and done.
What saved me from my past? When I thought about it I came up with one answer, Love. Something I had never been given before, unconditional love. From my husband who has loved me so purely and so completely for these past 8 years, but more importantly loving myself, a greater challenge in itself.
For many many years I confused sex with love. I never knew the meaning of the word. I thought I did. It didnt mean just because someone wanted to possess my body that they loved me. Or if if my body was being cherished by someone that I loved myself because I was worthy. What an ugly place to live for so long.
I did alot of ugly things, I had alot of ugly things done to me. I am amazed today I did not get myself killed or kill myself.
What kept me going?? That same passion I poured into my addiction I poured into life, and finally got through.
I was given a book called how to talk to your angels, I discovered spirituality, meditation and peace. I lived a life of solitude for a while. Then some angel felt I was ready to move onto the next phase of my life and moved me onto the next level. Thats when I met my husband, he was given to me only when god felt I would be able to recognize love that would last a lifetime and not confuse it with anything else.
So what is my conclusion? Sex and possession do not mean love.
To have real love in your life is a great gift, to love yourself is an even greater gift.
And, forgiving him was easy. Forgiving myself took guts, but,
I have finally done it. I have forgiven myself.
So I wont be sharing this story, I am leaving it behind. To publish it would destroy too many people, and to share it would not be fair to the other person in this story who is trying to rebuild a life he lost from all of our mistakes.

Socks and Sweaters

2006-01-05T13:33:00.000-08:00

Socks and Sweaters Current mood: thankful
Darkness swallows the day
Coldness slides in sideways
Sneaking past the window
and
Skirting past the drapes
Like a thief in the night.
She has on socks today
She hates socks
She has on that sweater she has had for 20 years
She hates sweaters
She feels him behind her
Warm breath on her neck
Love on his breath
No need for socks or sweaters
She thanks love for the warmth
APD ©

Thank you in Emotion

2006-01-05T13:32:00.000-08:00

Thank you in emotion
I was wandering through my mind tonight, kicking around tumbleweeds and old cardboard boxes full of crap I had put away. I decided I needed to clean house.
So I got out the broom and started sweeping, dust bunnies were scattering like snow flakes in the wind. It wasnt long before I had a pile of dirt and dust and I picked it up in one fell swoop and dumped it out my right ear.
That left the boxes full of crap. There is a door in the back of this room if you walk though it, you will see aisles of file cabinets.
They go in order of emotions.
I look at the boxes I have never put away and start to think about where to file them. Do they go under anger? I have plenty of room in the anger files, I try not to use them too much. I am feeling angry about these boxes so its a maybe.
I think about sad, I look at the 2 aisles of sad. Thinking sad gets too much of my catch all I decide its not appropriate to put these boxes in sad, these boxes deserves a permanent home so I never have to look at it again. I think about happy, there is plenty of happy in these boxes, but its clouded by regret. Regret is a huge possibility. Ill come back to that later.
I think about acceptence, this was always a struggle with these boxes, so I cant put it in there. Envy is not in play at all. Anticipation, that was short lived. Jealousy, never had a part, so thats a no. Remorse, was there for a bit, but only stopped in at the end to say Hi.
Sorrow, hmmm good one, its been with these boxes since the beginning, we will stick sorrow up on the board of possiblities. Disgust?? Maybe just a little, a smidge, not even on the radar when you compare it to sorrow and sad. Suprise? Well that came not to long ago, so its too new to hold any water. Boredom??? NO way, never had anything to do with these boxes.
That leaves Love, Joy, Hope, Fear and Guilt. 5 emotions I can live with for these boxes. I have opened these boxes, I touch your face and hug you close. I break the files up into sections, Joy for all of the joy you brought me for all of those years, Hope for what I have for your future as you walk through the rest of your life, Guilt, I have carried guilt around for 10 years after I left you standing on that curb then watched you succumb to a life that almost destroyed you, Fear, what I lived with for many years till this past September till we gave each other the greatest gift we could have ever given each other, the gift of forgiveness, which brought us back to Love. I will seal this box with Love and I am filing it away in a new aisle. It will be the only box in this aisle and will be a memory of every emotion that made up who we were together.
When these boxes are gone and my mind is full of laughing children, warm hugs, and a funny man who makes me laugh every day
I will remember to come back when I need to and visit, to remember where we came from and how we were made into who we are today. I will leave you with one emotion, gratitude. Gratitude for being strong, gratitude for seeing the sense in life when I could not, and for being after all was said and done, a friend. Thank you for being the strong one this time and not letting me fall.
Thank you
APD ©

2006 Horoscopes Happy New Year

2006-01-05T13:31:00.000-08:00

2006 Horoscopes Happy New Year!

Horoscopes for the year 2006 brought to you by The Old Women in a Shoe (who had to many freaken kids she didnt know what to do).

January~This will be a year of reflection for you. You will fill your house with mirrors and line your walls with tin foil so you can reflect wherever you go in your home. You will also learn the importance of Silly Puddy while stuck in the car when you pulled up to close at the drive through window. Someone special will enter your life mid year and will leave you with an itchy feeling in your private spots, Silly Puddy holds no relevence here, but that bug spray you were getting ready to throw away last week may come in handy. A career change is in the works as you read this. Being Big Bird wont be as bad as you think.
February~This will be the year of Romance and Marraige for you, sometime in October you will wake up in a small hut next to a pigmy named Jason who has a fetish for Americans with good teeth and a crooked smile. Take it in stride, who knows you may enjoy that kind of thing. You also will get some health news in April, all those flu shots your Dr has been giving you every year were really Donkey DNA and he was trying to make an ass out of you by bilking your insurance company.
March~You will be King or Queen of the prom this year, you will learn that words like Holla and Home Boy will be accepted into the dictionary with a picture of David Wells next to them, and he will finally get the credit he so deserves. When faced with a bad breakup in August you will learn revenge is sweet and finally do what you have been dying to do for years, walk up to the gun counter at Walmart and say "I will take a shotgun and a 12 pack". You will learn how to Belch the Celines Dions My Heart Will Go On while shooting up a Pontiac.
April~An engagement is in the cards for you this month. You will learn the importance of a good acme cream and how to properly apply it to your butt cheeks without dripping it on the carpet, this way your ready for that thong you will wear on your honeymoon. Be wary of strangers on your honeymoon though. A long ride into the hills of Mexico to score a bag of weed can prove dangerous and deadly when you forget your silly puddy at home and pull in too close to the hut.
May~Your expertise in Brick-a-Brack will come in handy with the Hurdy Gurdy Club this year, you will finally be recognized as one of the "great ones" by all Hurdy Gurdy's around the world of New Jersey. Your love life will take a bizarre twist though when you meet up with an old love interest in the porn section of the movie store. You will find yourself dressed in Cheetohs and the sex toy of a goat if your not careful.
June~Fire up the BBQ, you will develope a strange craving for scorched meat and charcoal weenies. Dont worry it will all pass around September with the cool weather and your craving will be replaced with the strange desire to drink cheap beer, yet you will only be able to drink Golden Anniversay Beer on Tuesdays after you hit it big at Bingo on Monday nights with the Hurdy Gurdy's. You will also learn to fly a Zepplin and will be able to escape capture when your friends catch on to your problems.
July~Tread lightly this year, your recent weight gain is taking its toll on your floors and Mrs Brickmenstien on the first floor has pieces of plaster in her wig she hasnt noticed yet. Also check out the Atkins diet for Dummies, Meat Shakes and Cheese and Lard souffle's will get you well back on the road to weight loss. Regardless of your lack of exercise. You will become famous with this weight loss and Oprah will pair you up with Dr Phil for your own reality show. You will live in the same house with Dr Phil, Tom Cruise, and Boy Goerge, whoever makes it out alive wins a years supply of Oprahs Book club books and 2 of everything she loves. Dont forget your Silly Puddy
August~You will birth Octuplets this year and name them all names that start with the letter Y. You will find your salvation in a soup kitchen in Boise when the man of your dreams drops you off with all your "Y's" and never comes back. Some kind stranger will take pity on you and you will become famous and write a book about the experience and end up on Lettermen after he sends you subliminal codes and you realize he loves you. You will have to fight Drew Barrymore topless on his desk though to win his infections, I mean affections (dont forget your Silly Puddy)
September~This will be the year of animal rescue for you, you will take on the cause of underpaid farm animals in the porn industry and win them their own Union. They will also finally have to wear real condoms instead of the sheepskin ones, the sheep were claiming animal cruelty. This case will make you famous and Michael Jackson's Bubbles will hire you to get Michael to wear a real condom also. Big bird will then hire you on for all Muppet animals who have to deal with hands up there asses all day and no gloves being worn.
Ocotober~Organic farming will be in the cards for you this year. You will grow organic mushrooms and cross them with Water Chestnuts and call them Shroomnuts, Chinese takeout will never be the same again, you will make a fortune and the world will be a more artistic place. Your largest order going to Bisbee Arizona.
November~Your dream of working on "The Chicken Farm" will come true this year, although when taking a cab from the airport Abdul the driver will misunderstand your destination and you will spend 3 months regurgitating food for baby chicks, but you will stay strong and finally arrive at "The Chicken Farm" with a whole new oral ability! So stock up on lipstick and garters, and beware of cab drivers named Abdul.
December~You will learn how to perform on the flying trapeez this year after falling in love with a gypsy, and you will run away with the circus. Your superior intelligence though will lead you astray and you will find the cure for Turet Syndrome with a concoction of circus peanuts and elephant spit. You will win a Nobel Prize, and you and 50 of your closest friends will show up for the ceremony in the clown car and steal the show!! Dont forget you Silly Puddy, just in case.
Happy New Year to all and until next year!!
APD ©

Ciao to 2005 Hello to me

2006-01-05T13:28:00.000-08:00

Ciao to a year, hello to me Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Its 1 am and im 15 minutes into a valium and a half a bottle of champagne, so excuse my spelling or anything I may write here LOL
This was my year, they talk about getting close to 40 and having a year where you finally find yourself and are comfortable with who you are as a person.
I now know what they meant.
When my catatonic daughter had her shunt replaced in May and her brain started to wake up these past months it was like a small miracle. Finally she was the vibrant little girl I knew was trapped somewhere in that head of hers.
When my ex passed away in August suddenly from a blood clot I was sent on a journey that took me all the way back through the bowels of my fucked up life. From the terrifying to the wonderful and there was plenty of both. Some things were terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. The years of living a life of someone I would only read about now in a book, or see in a movie seem very displaced from me now. I still shake my head and wonder why and how.
The whole year lead me to an awakening though, I had put away pieces of myself 9 years ago, pieces I thought were dangerous and untrustworthy. I pulled those pieces out again this year and tried them on for size. It was walking a tightrope for the first time, fear and curiosity came rushing back.
Can I live with these pieces? Can I somehow fit them in my life again and still maintain me? What I discovered was the pieces that had been missing made me whole again and with the new pieces of me I was finally who I was meant to be.
I can. I will, and I am. I regained myself, I put all of my pieces in place and finally after 38 years feel comfortable in who I am.
Combining the fire and desire of the old me with the stable and grounded new me was like emerging from a shell.
What kept me from this for the past few years? Fear. Fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, and fear of losing.
Letting go of the fear was the hardest thing to do, why being afraid is so easy is a big subject to cover, Ill save that for another blog.
When I stuck all the pieces back in place, and I let go of the fear, it was an amazing experience. I love me, my husband loves me, my kids love me. They find the me of today more interesting and happy, more dedicated and strong, more full of life and passion.
This was my year. The year I found me.
This is the most honest I have ever been to myself in my life.
Ciao
APD ©

Inpirational Inspiration

2006-01-05T13:26:00.000-08:00

Inspirational inspiration Current mood: restless
What inspires me, this is my thought as it passes midnight and heads to 2 AM with the blink of an eye.
I can think of a handful of things, one of them being loneliness, another is sadness. Those are my two major inspirers, kind of depressing isn’t it? I can’t help but think I am not the only one inspired by unhappiness. But there is the key point. Unhappiness. My loneliness or sadness does not make me unhappy. I actually feel like they are old friends, as comfortable as an old shirt that fits just right. I have learned to take these two emotions and make them work in my life. They have become key elements in my existence. I can be lonely in a room full of people. I can be lonely in a room full of people who love me, which is a real posing thought for me. Loneliness for me is always in the shadows. It sometimes just gets a little more dominant if I miss it too much and let it show its face in the light of day.
Sadness, I don’t share the same fondness for sadness as I do for loneliness, although don’t get me wrong it serves its purpose, it makes for some great poetry, lord knows morose is my middle name at times. It also makes for a quieter day for me. I welcome the quiet that sadness brings. It’s a nice change from my usual hustle and bustle, the chatter and the laughter. I enjoy a quiet sadness.

Then we can flip the coin and look at my brighter side, yes I have one. Funny, inspires me, I love funny. I love to laugh, as much as I love to cry. I fell in love with my husband’s sense of humor and married him on a whim because he made me laugh on the inside and the outside.
Then there is the joy of looking at situations from different angles and finding new sides to things. I love to look at something and look at it from a completely opposite side of the norm. What a wondrous way to see the world. You’re not looking through the eyes of status quo or the norm. What beauty I find in that simple act.

Love, love inspires me. As it does everyone else, nothing glamorous to talk about here. I have yet to be able to write anything very sensual yet though. I’ve always had a problem with stuff like that, I can’t even talk dirty, and I end up laughing like an idiot. I have tried it a few times, haaaaaaaaaa, what a joke, “I want to take my hand and run it up your ahahahahahahahahahaha” it’s a useless gesture. I don’t even try anymore. Poor guy.

The biggest inspiration I have found in life so far is people, all kinds of people, from the down right boring, to the outright ridiculous. Even a glance at someone’s bad hair day can bring me to the brink of insanity with the need to write it down, get it on paper before it slips away.

So that’s it, that’s what inspires me. What is the order of your inspiration, what makes you tick when it comes to writing, have you ever asked yourself this question?

I was inspired tonight by inspiration itself. Interesting.

APD©

Cold Lard in Cup of Revenge

2006-01-05T13:25:00.000-08:00

Chaos Current mood: satisfied
Life for me has been pretty quiet, the husband is truly sick, 103 temp a chest full of something that resembles road tar and he vomits every time I mention the words "cold lard". Not that I have done it that much, just enough to amuse myself I guess . The sound of him wretching just warms my heart. I have always told him throughout the life of our marraige, I dont ever get mad, (which I do not normally, maybe once a year I throw a fit) I get even. This is what keeps my blood pressure at 120 over 82 on a daily basis. This is what makes me the calm cool patient person I am.
I tuck a fight he decides he wants to have away for a later date and when the perfect time arises, I rise to the task.
Not feeling good?? How about a nice cup of cold lard? hahahahhaha
Wretttttttttttttttttttttttttttchhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Ok so I did it twice.
He had to get all that crap up right???
I once snipped the threads in the crotch of his favorite pants. They didnt let loose till he squated down at work to drill a hole in a floor. mwahahahaha.
He just thought he was getting fatter.
Then there was the time he was intent on wearing a particular sweatshirt to work the next day, it was a pre-wire in new construction and it was colder then a bitch out. I put it in the dryer after washing it for 20 minutes, just enough to get the heavy moisture out, not enough to get out the dampness. He froze his ass off for the first 2 hours of work.
These moments are reserved for when he really pisses me off, dont think Im the revenge goddess of CT. These are special times that get me through this vast maze we call marraige. Its more fun then fighting and the satisfaction factor is phenomenal!!
Oh yes, occasionally I forget to put the sugar in his travel mug in the morning.

Always

2006-01-05T13:24:00.001-08:00

Always
She sits in warmth and sunshine
Basking in the future
She feels the familiar ice cold whisps of air
She waits knows what is coming
The darkness reaches into her mind
Grasping at her bad times and pulling them near
It wraps its cold fingers around each moment
and throws them down on the ground at her feet
It booms in a voice so loud the silence shattered
"REMEMBER REMEMBER I WONT LET THEM GO AWAY"
Mesmorized by the feeling she gets when looking
She will never forget those times that made her feel so much
Darkness wont let her
She holds them close and rocks them gently
Waiting for darkness to release its hold
With the warmth of her love
The cold fingers release their grip
And she gently puts them back till he returns again
It wont be long, he is never far behind her
As she walks slowly ahead
Always looking back
Making sure he is still there
And
He is
Always
APD©

Transgendered Shovel

2006-01-05T13:24:00.000-08:00

Transgendered shovel Current mood: bored
There is something about a transgendered male now name Amery shoveling snow with his long billowy curls blowing in the wind that makes me think I live in the the twilight zone. It does not help that Fiddler on the Roof music is blasting from his/her living room window he has thrown wide open, or that his girlfriend is prancing on the big porch in her silk robe smoking a cigarette with one of those long fancy cigarette holders singing along trying to recapture a moment in time when she was "it" on broadway. Its quite beautiful in a very movie like way.
One warm August night around midnight I heard drums, and looked out my window and saw the faint light of a cigarette on the porch and I pulled on my robe and walked across the street to see what was going on. An empty bottle of white wine sat on the table and they sat on the steps, drum between his legs thumping away, and she was singing away, oblivious to neighbors and the time. They felt the need to express themselved and they were. She has an amazing voice and is now an acting teacher at a very very expensive private school, he is a musician in a theater orchestra. He only works in the winter. I can understand now how creativity will come out in ways like they expressed that night. They had said, we just need to be singing now. Before I just thought they were odd.
I had a hard time believing he used to be a women, he is in fact a very muscular man with a gorgeous face and the most lucious curls I have ever seen on a man. But as you get to know him you notice when he is upset his voice gets very very high, and he asks all the neighbor men to help him lift the really heavy things a man would normally be able to lift. Then the clincher was this past summer he was lying on his front porch, he had been painting, and he was flat on his back, I ran over to make sure he was ok and had not fallen and I saw those two crescent moon shaped scars under his breasts. Funny thing, his name used to be Amy, they refer to the old him as "Amy with a skirt on". They have lived here a while and some of the neighbors knew Amy before he was Amery.
Ill never forget the day my husband asked him to take a ride to pick up a grill at home depot, this was before we knew he used to be a women. My husband was yapping and kidding around with him in the front yard and threw an arm around his shoulder and gave him a big slap on the back. The look on his face confused me it was a "Ooooof that hurt look" I guess its understandable now.
So I will sit and watch Amery shovel and Carolyn belt out a tune and smoke her cigarettes in her silk robe. It does my heart good to know they are pissing off the Granola Girl next door. (nother story)

APD©

Day 3

2006-01-05T13:23:00.000-08:00

Day 3 Current mood: sad
Last thoughts of the day, before I go take my day out on a rotary cutter and some fabric.

I feel like someone just walked through my soul. A presence that wont show its face.
Its day 3 of my bad moment turning into a long stretch of thoughts. I tried to pin point the moment it happened, and I remembered stepping into the shower the other day and all of a sudden “he” was there in my thoughts, and I thought to myself, “wow there you are”, I had gotten to the point where he was not running through my head most of the day, thoughts of him had been replaced with the present and the future. At first I thought it was just going to take time to get over this. I think I may still be dealing with unresolved issues. On my part. Is it the guilt that is still getting to me? Guilt of feeling I abandon someone when they needed me most? I don’t know, I know I couldn’t save him he had to save himself, but the guilt is still there. Would his life be any different if I had stayed? Would there be any change in how things turned out? I will never know. I have to accept that and move on.
I should know better obsessing about could haves, should haves, and would haves. I know that is a very unhealthy attitude that will get me absolutely nowhere.

I just read a blog about forgiveness and I was so happy with the fact that we were able to forgive each other back in September, I really thought that was a wonderful thing. I just now am realizing it was only half of the answer. I need to forgive myself. How do you do that? I wish I knew.
I will do what I do best in times like this, I am going to sew. I am making a quilt today, well starting a new one anyway.

APD©

Any Cheese with that Wine

2006-01-05T13:22:00.000-08:00

Any cheese with that whine? Current mood: thankful
I feel like a selfish spoiled whining brat right now. One of the women on my quilting group on Yahoo went through 3 rounds of Chemo and just completed radiation and was given a clean bill of health on Wed of last week. Friday her husband went to her Quilt Shop to open up for her in the morning and the whole building blew up. Seems they had a ventless propane heater inside that leaked all night, when he opened the door in the morning KABOOM. He was thrown quite a distance and is going to be OK but she lost her whole entire business along with many heirloom quilts which cannot be replaced.

Now granted she has plenty to be thankful for, her health is coming back and her husband lived.

But when I think of the stupid shit I complain about day in and day out I feel like a complete and utter selfish ass.

So I tell my husband what happened and he says to me “but honey its part of your charm”. Since when is whining part of anyones charm. He told me I have made an art form out of it and if I stopped he would think I had gotten a lobotomy. I guess my complaining amuses him as much as his whining amuses me. What a sick twisted relationship!! (we only do this much whining 10% of our married life so don’t think it’s a big whine fest all day it is not).
So I am going to honor my friend and my husband and try and whine and complain with style from here on out.

No more mediocre complaining, no more hum drum bitching and moaning, I will be giving it all the passion and fire it so deserves and then some!!

I truly believe if I am going to whine I HAVE to make it worth everyones while.

So please if you notice my complaining getting a little stale or old, please let me know so I can pepper it with spice adjectives and smarmy little quotes.

Thank you and goodnight……………………next show is at 11 (jk)

PS I sewed all day and needed to write something before I went to bed and out of my mind.

Cliff Diving Into Shit

2006-01-05T13:21:00.000-08:00

Cliff diving into shit Current mood: crappy
Upon waking today I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a very high cliff, a vast red canyon below, I was not scared, I felt like I was on the verge of a great fall. I would be landing in what would be the rest of my day and it would be wonderful.

What a crock of shit that feeling was, my intuition completely missed the boat on me today.

The shit hit the fan literally, and I fell and fell and fell till I landed face first in the dirt spitting sand and gravel from my mouth.

We could talk about the fact that there was a 90 minute delay for school and I decided to say fuck it and kept the kids home today and they were cranky and tired of looking at each other for the past 2 weeks of no school.

We could add in the fact that Give it a Yank was running a temp of 102 and ended up blessing me with his presence all day long.

We could even go into my little one projectile vomiting all over me and Mother Teresa while screaming Mommy at the top of her lungs till my heart shattered in a thousand pieces and went diving off of that cliff with the rest of me.

But

The climax of the day, the topper on the cake, the finale to end all finale’s was standing ankle deep in my husbands shit plunging a toilet for 30 minutes, because rather then hear him whine I did it myself.

I was very busy with fixing kids lunches, trying to get some Tylenol into the baby, vacuuming, and a rash of other shit and I hear the tone of voice that makes me want to take a knife and stick it right into the top of his hand, pour salt into it and then slap the shit out of his face.

Aimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Aimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I need towels!!! Quick

Now this isn’t your normal yell for help, this yell for help included a few words thrown in between that he was mumbling to himself, fuck shit son of a bitch.

Mother Teresa gives me “the eye” and says in her best Italian accent, dat huzbend off yours he iz a baby no? I say ohhhhh you don’t know the half of it.

So I grab 6 of my fluffiest towels thinking he wants to take a hot shower and is just being REALLY CRANKY, and I run upstairs and there he is,

Standing in the middle of the bathroom pants around his ankles swearing and saying the back of the toilet cracked and it broke and water is running all over.
So I say in my loudest take charge voice, because at this point his brain has shut down and he is not moving, he is frozen to the floor, I say “STEP INTO THE SHOWER” so in he goes, pants off first then I turn on the water hand him a bar of soap and say “wash those feet”, I grab a laundry basket because what I see next has me sick to my stomach. The toilet is overflowed, the water is brown and he has taken all 4 of my robes off the back of the door and thrown them onto the floor in front of the toilet to stop the flow if sewage from hitting the hallway. 2 natural hemp Aramis robes, 1 Donna Karen Robe, and one big fluffy white one I got from a spa.
All sitting in shit water in front of my toilet.

I look up with eyebrows raised, he is going on and on about the toilet being fucking broken and now he has to go buy a new one waaaa waaaaa waaaa waaaa waaaa, that was about what I heard.

I put all the robes in the laundry basket and tell him to step out of the tub into the hallway without touching the floor. I can practically see the ecoli crawling up the walls at this point, (you know me and dirty floors).

He steps out and goes in and gets changed and is still waaaaa waaaaaaa waaaaaing all the way back to his office.

I look around and think, OK while I am plunging I can plot revenge.

30 minutes later, a bottle of bleach, and a load of laundry in I have 7 plans of attack.

By the way, the toilet was not broke, he was too lazy to get a new roll of toilet paper and used the paper towels instead. It was a workout plunging.

I also want to know what the hell he ate yesterday. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Shitty story ha???

The Theif

2006-01-05T13:20:00.000-08:00

The thief
You left a void
I filled it with creativity.
You took my passion
I sewed together new
You broke my mind
I wrote another
You shattered my life
I stitched a new one
You starved my love
I fed it with words
You chased my dreams
I wove new ones
You haunt my nights
I write you out of my days
You think me a possesion
I know you are mine
You kept my soul
I drink from yours
When all is said
and all is done
I am the thief this time.
© A.P.D.

Dark Day

2005-12-29T14:13:00.000-08:00

Today was very dark, it rained all day and is only 44 degrees outside. Gloomy and bleak. Kind of like my mood. Today was one of those bad days, one of those days that "he" is in my head for unknown reasons. I know he has no business being there, he knows he has no business being there, but it just happens. He just pops up for unknown reasons. These days have gotten less as time has gone on, its been a while since I had a whole day of "him". They had depleted to just moments.
It baffles me to no end, I know its not good, its not healthy, nor is it any kind of winning situation, but still his memory persists in my head. Its been 10 years and you would think it would get easier. It has not. Its gotten to be less frequent but it has not gotten any easier.
Im not looking for advice or sympathy. Im just venting. Maybe writing it down and walking away from it will make "him" go away today.
Being chased around by one of your saddest ghosts is like walking in quick sand with lead boots on.
There has to be a solution to this issue, I cant help but think it will be like this forever. There has to be an answer. I just dont know what it is yet.

2005-12-27T21:27:00.000-08:00

What is it about myself that can have such a great fucking day, kids just perfect, husband beyond wonderful, me in a great mood, and come close to midnight and my brain starts to wander off into the land of the sad little lonely people.
Im grateful for the wonderful family and life I have been given, Im not feeling angry or depressed, its a hard feeling to describe actually.
Its almost like a tugging, something pulling at the center of my existence. A dash of sadness, a sprinkle of loneliness, and a big swig of my ghosts stepping in front of me and saying "stop you cant go any further with this today, you must come with us". Where do we go? I see swirls of mist and grey, long dark robes, hoods with no faces. Its not a scary place, no not at all, just a very quiet place that gives me a spot to go at the end of the day and think. Its where my mind goes with all of my thoughts at the days end and puts it all into perspective. Balances out the bad and the good and places it all where it belongs.
Maybe its the Libra in me, scales of balance, trying to maintain a level of conciousness that includes all sides to every situation. Impossible to figure out everymoment of the day in the hectic life of raising a family, but given the right environment it can be achieved, hence my place, the place I go around midnight most every night to balance it all out.
Whatever it is I will name it "grey matter". Its very grey and very much in my mind, and very much matters, to my sanity anyway.

Twas the Week Before New Years

2005-12-27T20:01:00.001-08:00

Twas the week before New Years

Twas the night after christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring they had all gotten soused
The dried sausage was hung in the basement with care
In hopes that the relatives would come by for the New Year
With I in my silk lounge pants and mom planning the macaroni
We had all settled down even loud Uncle Tony
When out in the driveway there arose such a racket
I sprang from my lounge chair, stubbed my toe and screamed Oh Fuck It!
Away to the window mom ran with her shot gun
Ripped open the double hungs and said "I cant believe he has come"
The moon shone so bright over the New York skyline
All I could here was a cell phone and the sound of a Jersey whine
Then what did my wandering eyes see come through the door
But that fucking rat cousin Joey and his side cart whore (thats for you Karen)
Seems his sentence was up the night before last
And he needed a place to stay and a little cash
So I in my silk lounge pants and mom with her roni's
Turned the whole situation over to the Great Uncle Tony
See when problems arise in this family like this
Its nice to be able to make them go sleep with the fish.
Uncle Tony made a call on his cell phone that night
And we never saw that rat cousin Joey again after the dawn of day light
With the holidays over and the New Year just down the line
We planned out a party and made us some wine.
The kids all came home and the cousins from Vegas
We had a good time and remembered the men who made us.
Its a new year we sang with a jug in our hands
365 days to pillage the lands
So from my family to yours during this holiday time
I invite you all here to share in our wine
Just excuse the yelling and swearing you will hear
Its just us Italians Bringing in the New Year.
Written by Amy D. for my crazy family

Thoughts

2005-12-27T20:01:00.000-08:00

Silent whispers in the darkness of the night
I see your face reflecting in the pale moonlight
When the last dew dop fell off the stars in the sky
I blinked and you were gone just a flicker in my eye
When quiet replaces the noise of the day
Your in my mind, I cant keep you at bay
When will this agony cease and be gone
My heart tells me its right but my head tells me its wrong
There is no more hello's nor any goodbye's
You are always just there waiting for my day to lie
The silence is deafening, from my thoughts I cant hide
The thought of our love consuming my mind
So I lie here in bed a prisoner of my thoughts
My heart is breaking its you it has sought
I look back at the moon and the stars as I fly
Off to sleep to escape your face as I cry
My last tear drop entwines with the last dew drop that fell
From the stars in the sky as I look up from this cell

Hold that second thought

2005-12-23T05:24:00.000-08:00

Chirstiana has discovered she can speak. Its been a week and the words are pouring out of her mouth like little superballs out of a machine, they are bouncing and reverberating all over the house!!
The little door in her brain that held back all of the words for so long has been opened.

I would say I dont know why, but I will admit here that since she has been sick her seizure meds have only been getting into her once a day for weeks now. The fog must have lifted from her brain.
Now that her sugar is under control I havent noticed a seizure in forever, so I put a call into the DR to tell them of my deed. This way if its wrong, we can come to a different conclusion. Those meds are holding her back. She even tried to stand last night after pulling herself up on the coffee table, its like she has realized laying there and just smiling is not good enough for her, she now wants more out of life!

She greeted my son as he walked into a room last night "Hi Chris", she looked at her sister the night before and said" awe sister".
I asked her where daddy was and she said "upstairs". I called her Shrimpy last night and she said "what".

This is a kid who had a 20 word or less vocabulary as of a month ago. She is counting to 13, saying her ABC's, saying hi to all of her PBS friends on TV, Barney, Elmo, Sagwa, LaLa.
She tried to read along with Walter the Farting Dog and was calling out for Howard, Walters owner.

I am marveling at all she has learned over the past 4 years and has not been able to communicate to us. How frustrating for her.

Miracle for Christmas this year again. My husband asked what I wanted last night I told him nothing, I have what I want, he insisted on getting me something, I told him nothing 6 times, he broke me down, I said ok get me a crockpot. Whats wrong with me I should have said that Mercedes 900!! Like I had a chance anyway LOL.

Savannah

2005-12-22T07:39:00.000-08:00

When your signifigent other leaves a pamphlet and a letter about a conference that is being held in Savannah in May, in the field that you used to be in, you have to wonder the motive.

Does he want me to go back to work? Does he want me to get back into that line of work?

Does he realize what that would mean? I am not a person who can just go to work and come home at 5 pm and be mom. I am a die hard work-a-holic. I am a wring the life out of the day till there is nothing left to get, and go to sleep with it still on my mind, dream it, wake up eat it for breakfast and start all over again.

Me being home with the kids has reinvented me into a totally different person.

Ive blogged this before. I have seen the career women/mom, I was that person, my son may have never wanted for anything material, but he didnt have the full time mom these other three have now, and to me that is more important then any paycheck or job desciption.

My paycheck now is peace of mind, my kids know me, my kids dont have more fun at the babysitters then with me. Hell I dont even have a babysitter other then my mom on occasion.

My priorities have changed, they involve things that will matter in 20 years, not just next week.

My house is clean, dinner is cooked every night without being thrown together last minute, laundy is not piling up with a big mental sign in it that reads "I WILL BE YOUR FRIEND ALL DAY SUNDAY".

I like my life now.

Does he want me to go to work so we have 2 incomes? Is he getting tired of the stress of doing all on his own? I think so. Does he need back surgery and is putting it off because we cant afford for him to be out of work now? Yes. Would life be better financially if I went back to work?? Yes.

Would this benefit my kids and I? No. Bottom line. No, it would not. Not where things count.

Back surgery?? Well he is going to have to bite the bullet and finally get his lawyer to settle his workmans comp case. Then he can take the time off.

I wont sacrifice a life with my children again. I have a great relationship with my oldest, he is awesome. But I feel pain when I look at him and I think of all the things he missed out on, all of the things I missed out on.

Sacrifice, its always been a big part of my life. I suppose with everyone it is.

Ive sacrificed alot.

Finding priorities and doing the right thing.

Priorities, I wont sacrifice my priorities again, and I will always try my best to do the right thing.

Its like throwing a dart at a map and praying we hit the right road.

Sacrifice, what has your sacrifice been in your life? I think its a great blog subject.

Let the Festivities Commence

2005-12-21T16:50:00.000-08:00

I have warned you as holiday stress takes over blogs get stupider. My spirtual creative side waits patiently on the sidelines for Jan 2................................................

Let the festivities commence
I have held back this holiday as long as I can, the door burst open today and there it was in all its tinsel and wrapping paper glory, standing on the threshhold of my day.
I have lost the real tree war, in all practicality the fake tree makes more sense, no pine needles to vacuum up, no getting down all my stomach and pouring water all over the carpet to get the water in the base. We only keep the tree up for a week. Husbands birthday is Jan 1 and it comes down Jan 2. So I will be dragging everything out of the third floor today to decorate. Gotta pick your battles I suppose.
Then the whole wrapping thing will happen tomorrow, ugh, I really hate wrapping, im not good at it and I can never find the damn tape, the kids are always taping things all over the house and the tape ends up in the oddest of places. I do believe I will be buying tape tonight so I have new, findable tape.
Which leads me to my next thing......I have to go to Walmart tonight.......Im gonna swear here people so cover your ears if you offend easily................FUCK.......I hate shopping...If I ever win the lottery, or my inlaws ever kick the bucket (im going to hell for that one) I will pay someone to shop for me. Seriously, I will have someone who I can trust not to buy any knick knacks that I can call at any given hour and say "hey can you run down to the store and pick up some socks and pickles for me"? " I have cold feet and I need to make a Sammich". Or, "Heres my list, dont forget the Gefilte Fish and the Fluffernutter, Im having company this weekend and I hate to dissapoint Mrs Rosenburg and her 2 brats.
Paying someone else to do your shopping must be the utmost luxery. I already do it for my groceries. They come every Wed, and they only charge 5 bucks to do my shopping, and bring it into my house, who the hell can beat that!
I would rather walk on broken glass in the middle of a sand storm wearing nothing but bathing suit filled with itching powder then shop. I guess you get my point.
I have to get grabbag gifts, which is another story. We do grab bag every year, too many people to buy for so we figured a way to make everyone happy, we do the pick a number and you get to switch with the people before you yadayada, please dont make me explain this. So every year, the still in the closet lesbian cousin brings two bags of gifts, one for herself and one for her fake boyfriend. One bag is chocked full of Starbucks stuff, she works for them, the other bag is aweful.
She loads it with sex toys and doesnt let anyone know which one it is.
The first year my dad ended up with it...............holy crap I thought he was going to die. The cousin of a friend who was in from Arizona ended up taking it from my dad, she was 18 and it weirded me out she would want it. She was this little happy child with the innocence of a butterfly.....up till that point.
Last year my brother ended up with it. My brother doesnt mince words, he said "what the fuck" in front of all the rosary clutching aunts. My mother in law took it, even more weirded out. yuck yuck yuck.
So sex toys and coffee, thats what I have to deal with, I think I will buy some nice candles and some coffee mugs, people can always use those.
For the record this isnt my family, mine will be in Jersey at church singing at the candle light service at midnight then having coffee and crumbcake from that really good bakery over in Paterson. Remember folks you just dont marry the person, you marry the whole family. There is no way around it.
I would get into the whole 7 fishes dinner and the other things we have to cook but I think I will save it for another day

Only Bad Moments

2005-12-21T16:49:00.000-08:00

Bad days have been dwindling,
Only bad moments remain
I wont ever fight the bad moments
They keep me alive
Pieces of you make me love the pieces of my today.
Without yesterday there would have been no today
Or no tomorrow
Memories of the past serve as my foundation of my future
When we can embrace our past with peace
We can finally embrace our future with the love and desire it deserves.
No more bad days.
Only bad moments.

When the holidays get stressful the blogs get stupider

2005-12-20T08:30:00.000-08:00

Vinnie the Underbite Humungo

All names have been changed to protect the guilty
I had a dream last night, Ill blame the first part on Karen, I was in a mall in Jersey, I was sitting with my girlfriend Angela (I have no girlfriend Angela), we were sitting droning on about our lives in a typical Jersey whine. Angela was bitching about her boyfriend Johnny Jr. and how he treats her like shit and didnt buy her those shoes she wanted, then she was going on and on about his mother, or as she put it, mothah, and how all she ever does is break Joey' Jr's balls about how since his fathah died, Joey Jr doesnt go to church enough, this is a women who goes to church 4 times a week, and as Angela puts it, when she dies and they finally pry that Rosary out of her hand they will discovah that it has grown to her fingers.. Joey goes once she says, thats enough, after all he is a busy man.
So there we are in front of the Cinnabun sipping our cappachino and hashing out all of our problems with a good shopping spree, and nobody notices right behind us is Vinnie the Underbite Humungo, he is in fact sitting there in his trademart "bathrobe" and with none other then Joey Bag a Canoli. He must have overheard Angela bitching about Johnny's mom and being Johnny's mom and him are 3rd cousins once removed Vinnie of course is going to show respect to Johnny's mom and make it a point to let Angela know that its just not right to disrespect your elders, especially the women who gave birth to his 4th cousin once removed.
So he stands up, and Angela spots him and gets this look on her face like "oh shit" and she stands up and starts to back away but her high heel gets caught in the chair and she goes to fall, so Vinnie the Underbite Humungo grabs her by her arms to catch her, but at the same time comes around with a salt shaker and smashes her in the face, throws her down on the ground, and spits at her feet and says, Johnnie aint marrying you, I wont let it happen you bitch, no 4th cousin once removed of mine is gonna be saddled with a ball and chain like you for the rest of his life.
She is laying there bleeding, broken nose, cracked teeth, too afraid to cry, to afraid to move, and to afraid to even talk.
And as he is walking away he turns to me and says, " hey sweetheart I didnt see you there, tell your husband I said hello, and dont hang around with this whore anymore".
That was the last time I saw Angela.
Then I woke up with a strange craving for Canoli, and pasta.
In memory of Vinnie the Chin Gigante may he RIP

Forgetting

2005-12-20T08:11:00.000-08:00

Forgetting
Thoughts drifting through her head like the fog rolling over the lowlands in the weepy morning hours.
To much to think about, the fog is choking out any answers she might have found.
She takes a deep breath and can smell the scent of him like it was yesterday.
A lone tear rolls down her cheek, she wipes it away and pretends its not there.
She is getting good at forgetting again, at least that is what she tells herself.
The silence that replaces her voice, when asked what is wrong, she pauses, nothing, its nothing. Silence again.
She moves through the day, every moment spent walking away from the moment before is that much further he escapes in her memory, thats what she tells herself.
Another deep breath, another thought escapes her mind to be lost forever.
She is getting good at forgetting again, thats what she tells herself, before another tear falls to the ground.
Every moment moving foward in time is moving away from the past, that is what she tells herself once again.
Forgetting.

Dreams

2005-12-18T18:00:00.000-08:00

Dreams
Warm hand against her cheek awakens her from a deep sleep
Her eyes open slowly in the dark
There he is in a pitch black room golden as if the sun shines down upon him as he lays gazing at her
The look of love upon his face is extraudinairy
She blinks and he is gone
Eyes flutter shut and she wonders what angel came to visit her tonight as she falls back into slumber.
He is after all in the other room fast asleep.

Hair

2005-12-16T08:23:00.000-08:00

Hair
As I lay in bed last night, trying to fall asleep the minutes ticked away on the clock, 1 am 2 am 3 am came and went, my daughter was feeling my unrest and was also awake, she hasnt been feeling well and was riding the high of some cold meds I gave her, so there we lay, the two of us like a couple of frustrated insomniacs.
She holding onto my hair saying cozy mommy over and over. Me holding her other hand and thinking I really need to put her into her own bed. She has a beautiful hand made wooden bed made especially for her from Sleep Safer. Its a special bed for kids with special needs, the sides fold up so she cant fall or climb out. Plexi windows so she can see out.
For a long time I have been using the excuse im afraid she will stop breathing and I wont know it. She has what they call awake apnia, she just stops breathing, turns blue and I shake her back to reality and she breaths again. Some sort of seizure I assume, Ive neve gotten a straight answer, she is s mystery to most Dr's when it comes to her brain. Now mind you its been about 2 years since she has done this, but I still use this as an excuse.
Letting go and letting her be independent is something I need to work on. They warned me about this when she was born. Its so easy to coddle her, she has the mental ability of a 1 year old and is just so easy to baby.
I think it may be harder for me then for her.
Her mortality scares me, she could just go at any time for a number of reasons, I know I would find a way to blame it on myself.
My mortality scares me, spend as much time as you can with this child, you may not be around next year. We could all get hit by a bus tomorrow, I know this, but these are my feelings.
Today starts the mother of all Aides, she is a 60 year old italian women with the vibrance of a thousand women and the energy of an army.
I have been told she will be taking over for a few hours every day. This one will make me back off. Let her gain independence, grow up a little without me doing everything for her.
Its going to be a personal struggle but I think im ready.
Although im going to miss the cozy mommy till 3 am.
Speaking of my own mortality, my Dr called, I have to wait till Jan 6th to see the breast specialist. Im not very happy about that.

Bleach and other things that are clean

2005-12-16T08:21:00.000-08:00

Bleach and other things that are clean
I realized something today, if you give a foreign women a bottle of bleach when she asks for it she will stay busy for hours and your house will be disinfected so you can eat out of the grout behind your sink.
I also discovered if you put Bocelli in the CD player she will smile and it helps not only get rid of germs, but the smile chases away a few layers of the sadness in your head.
Tomorrow she will be helping me find my daughters bed under the piles of clothes that have collected there, according to Mother Teresa it will help save my marraige. How she knew my marraige was in trouble I have no clue, maybe all parents who use a child as a buffer in a bed at night have it written all over their faces. Either way I just nodded and thought, how could she be wrong her Halo glows like a 100 watt bulb over her head.
She also calls me Mrs Domestico, and refuses to call me by my first name. Which kind of weirds me out, nobody calls me that. Not even my kids friends, Im Amy or Mrs D. Oh well I guess she answers to a higher power with that halo and all.
I really like her, I like that she has me pegged and refuses any help while she is here, she see's my anal retentive qualities and has me beat by a mile.
Life seems a little simpler now.

King Howard

2005-12-16T08:20:00.000-08:00

King Howard exits his kingdom and gets on that rocket ship heading into space on a satellite.
It seems like a national holiday around here, kids got today off from school, granted it was because of the weather, but its only raining so it kind of makes you wonder if the powers that be in the school system are glued to their Yahoo live video stream like the rest of us.
Husband took the morning off from work and is upstairs sniffling in front of the computer screen, placing his order on the internet highway for some "serius" radio.
This will be, in my house a day of mourning. A day that we will say goodbye to what they are calling Extraterrestrial Radio. Not by my choice, but by the choice of the FCC and what they feel we as Americans can hear or not hear, see or not see.
I personally am not a fan of Howards man whore ways, but I am a fan of the fight for keeping the government out of my house when it comes to what I can view or not view, hear or not hear.
I am very interested to hear what evolves with Satellite radio, it opens doors on diversity and freedom and slams the door on the FCC.
Take that Colon Powells son, you can peek your head out of Bush's pocket now, the enemy has left your world.
I wonder what Imus will do. Who will be the next king of ET. Will it just be a computer somewhere feeding us advertising and preprogrammed shows. The same 11 songs in a loop playing over and over? The news that they want us to hear, the FCC that is. I have to wonder, what this is going to do to the media as we know it.
Is this a step foward? Or a step sideways, sideways as in we are not going foward or back, but someplace different, someplace we may have never expected to be. Will it be good? Or will it be bad?
Its an "EPIC" moment we are experiencing.
Or maybe not.
Maybe this is taking that step away from EPIC. Breaking the cycle we have fallen into as a society.
Thats all I have to say.

Letter to a fantasy

2005-12-14T21:01:00.000-08:00

The first line of Iris, "I'd give up forever to touch you" for some reason has always made me feel that soulful lonliness I carry around with the rest of the things that haunt me on occasion.
I never really thought about why it made me "feel" before. Till tonight.

At some point in my life somewhere along the line I fell in love with a fantasy of how I percieved something. We all have that one thing that we glorify in our own heads just to hang onto something that will always be just out of our reach, maybe its a place, maybe its something you always dreamed of that you have turned into something its not, maybe its a person you know you made into someone who really doesnt exist.

For the most part, this little fantasy we have usually is just a daydream or a passing fancy we think of while trying to fall asleep or driving in our cars, not at the same time mind you. Maybe a thought while standing in the night looking up at the stars. Thats where I do my best day dreaming. My sweetest thoughts have come while looking at the stars, but I have also stood below them and cried till I thought my chest would crack open from the pain. Fantasies dont all have to be happy thoughts.
Some of my most elaborate fantasies have been heart wrenching.

Now I dont want to confuse dreams with fantasies, these are two different things for me. Dreams are things we can achieve and things to strive for. Fantasies are just that, fantasies.
Thats when I realized the line "Id give up forever to touch you" had been part of a fantasy I had.

I took a fantasy I had and threw a huge pail of cold reality on it this week. Reality can really do away with the fantasies, sometimes its a bad thing we all need to fantasize in some way shape or form, but sometimes it a good thing. Because sometimes reality is so much sweeter and perfect then our fantasy. You need to open your eyes to be able to see that.

My conclusion on this line of Iris is this...............

Regarding you my haunting fantasy, I would not give up forever to touch you. Nor do I want you to know who I am.

My reality is so much more sweet.

Letter to a friend

2005-12-11T18:52:00.000-08:00

I dont have too many people in my life I pray for at length. I just prayed for you. The feeling tugging at my chest the longing, pain, hurt, sadness.

These are not my feelings, I can feel you. I dont ever know why, why cant I ever figure out why!! I can only feel.

Not many people have come into my life that seemed so true, honest, not afraid.

I thought you were one of them. A friend that in 20 years or next week we could sit down and talk like we have known each other all of our lives.

Was I wrong? Its like finding out there is no Easter Bunny or Santa. Good and true, pure and simple. But its all just an illusion and lie.

Im not giving up on you though. I still believe there is one good person left on this earth.

Passing through

2005-12-11T17:11:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while, I get this cold cold feeling, it seems to pass through me from the back to the front, it leaves me with goosebumps and it hits me the hardest on the inside, I can feel it all the way to my core. It leaves me shaken every time and it leaves behind a sense of loss and loneliness, like the slight touch of a hand scattered some sadness on the outskirts of my conciousness.

Its the same cold I felt that day I died in 87. If you have never felt it, its hard to explain.

It happened again today. Just now.

What happened.

When we die do we leave part of ourselves on that other side that can always feel the cold.

Someday down the road I will find out. It will be my first question when I go back.

The second will be where's Elvis!

Till We Get It Right

2005-12-09T15:23:00.000-08:00

Till we get it right.
She could here all the voices off in the distance, in a slumber that hung on the edge of awake. They pushed and pulled at her very existence, her very own voice the loudest in the mist and the grey.
She fought the push, she fought the pull, could she live a life that made her finally full. The question, it hung in the fog of her brain, it could only be answered by her willingness to gain. Gain love and trust, honesty and truth. Peace in heart was going to be new.
Through all of her fear she wondered if she could let go, of a love that escaped her so many years ago. She had clung till the blood drained from her heart and her soul. Letting go meant living in the here and the now and going where she had never gone before.
Someday in her next life maybe their souls would get it right, she was willing to wait and live out this life.
She knew in her heart she would recognize his soul, when the time would be right she would know true love again and be whole.
She wept at the moment her decision was made. Letting go of the past, she knew their love would wait.
How could it not, she trusted love so. She is willing to wait to get back her soul. He kept it tucked away under lock and key, it sat next to his far out of both their reach.
She stared into his heart for one last time, and said I'll love you for always, next time we'll get it right.
She vowed never to forget the night she looked up at the stars, they will be her beacon in her next life to find his heart.
She awoke from her slumber shaking off the silver of her soul, and wondered what had happened that had shaken her so. She shrugged it off as a dream and went on with her life. Something always made her look up at the stars late at night. A yearning, a longing, a feeling from above, where did it come from she wondered, maybe its love.
The years passed so quickly, they flew like the wind. Her legacy was what her children could win, love and happiness in knowing a life of her love. They always followed the stars up above.
She took her last breath in the pale moonlight, the stars told her a story of a love worth the fight. Go onto your next life, go search for your soul, it is out there somewhere under the stars and the moon. Follow them closely and you will have the sight, his soul is entwined with yours, waiting for you to get it right. Learn from this life, and you will finally see, where you belong, where you were meant to be.
Thank the stars every night for guiding the way, I will see you again but it will be another day. Another time and a place where we can get it right, our love will prevail I promise on this night.
I have loved you with every ounce of my being, but I have a job here you see and its the children that god has given.
Ive given you my heart and my soul here tonight, I know you will keep it safe till we get it right.

In the end it doesnt even matter

2005-12-08T13:08:00.000-08:00

Biopsy-the word seems so evil to me right now.

3 months ago my ex husband passed away.
That same week I found you, the man who took my heart.
I found forgiveness and realized you still had my heart and hadnt tossed it out like I thought you had.
1 month ago I had a dream I died. In the same dream I layed on a grave screaming for answers to why after all this time am I being faced with my past.
Within that same dream I saw your father nod at me.
Sleepless nights, endless crying, silent insanity, fighting the urge to say fuck it all and running back to you and leaving my children behind, because I love you more then life itself. I thought there was no easy way out of this marraige. I guess I forgot one thing. I could have the choice taken away from me by death.

Is this the answer? Is this why?

Grey Day

2005-12-05T10:36:00.000-08:00

Im sitting in my front window, the ground is covered in whiteness, it would almost seem like the world is getting a fresh start, a clean page to start the day, but the greyness of the sky is looming.
It is saying, yes you have a fresh start today, just like every day but there is always the greyness. The greyness of my soul must be my lonliness, always hovering somewhere close, never too far, letting me know its there in case I start to forget.

We will get more snow tonight, this is the beginning of winter here. A long cold season. I love winter, I can identify with this season. Leafless trees, bitter cold winds, starkness everywhere you look outside. But inside its warm, there is plenty of love to snuggle up to when needed.
There is always inside to go to when the outside gets to cold. Just like life.

Emotions in Color

2005-12-04T20:22:00.000-08:00

Emotion in color
I see emotions in colors.
Not everyone has the same colors for the same emotions.
I think im just realizing this. Ive done it all along but lately it is just apparent.
Im not seeing things like a crazy person. Just in my head like you would hear something.
I feel so silver lately and just now gold and red were with the love of a friend.
Some people have 1 color, some have 2, some have alot.
Its just one of my quirky idiosycrasies. Do we all do this to judge peoples moods? I do.