What is it about myself that can have such a great fucking day, kids just perfect, husband beyond wonderful, me in a great mood, and come close to midnight and my brain starts to wander off into the land of the sad little lonely people.
Im grateful for the wonderful family and life I have been given, Im not feeling angry or depressed, its a hard feeling to describe actually.
Its almost like a tugging, something pulling at the center of my existence. A dash of sadness, a sprinkle of loneliness, and a big swig of my ghosts stepping in front of me and saying "stop you cant go any further with this today, you must come with us". Where do we go? I see swirls of mist and grey, long dark robes, hoods with no faces. Its not a scary place, no not at all, just a very quiet place that gives me a spot to go at the end of the day and think. Its where my mind goes with all of my thoughts at the days end and puts it all into perspective. Balances out the bad and the good and places it all where it belongs.
Maybe its the Libra in me, scales of balance, trying to maintain a level of conciousness that includes all sides to every situation. Impossible to figure out everymoment of the day in the hectic life of raising a family, but given the right environment it can be achieved, hence my place, the place I go around midnight most every night to balance it all out.
Whatever it is I will name it "grey matter". Its very grey and very much in my mind, and very much matters, to my sanity anyway.