2006 Horoscopes Happy New Year
2006 Horoscopes Happy New Year!
Horoscopes for the year 2006 brought to you by The Old Women in a Shoe (who had to many freaken kids she didnt know what to do).
January~This will be a year of reflection for you. You will fill your house with mirrors and line your walls with tin foil so you can reflect wherever you go in your home. You will also learn the importance of Silly Puddy while stuck in the car when you pulled up to close at the drive through window. Someone special will enter your life mid year and will leave you with an itchy feeling in your private spots, Silly Puddy holds no relevence here, but that bug spray you were getting ready to throw away last week may come in handy. A career change is in the works as you read this. Being Big Bird wont be as bad as you think.
February~This will be the year of Romance and Marraige for you, sometime in October you will wake up in a small hut next to a pigmy named Jason who has a fetish for Americans with good teeth and a crooked smile. Take it in stride, who knows you may enjoy that kind of thing. You also will get some health news in April, all those flu shots your Dr has been giving you every year were really Donkey DNA and he was trying to make an ass out of you by bilking your insurance company.
March~You will be King or Queen of the prom this year, you will learn that words like Holla and Home Boy will be accepted into the dictionary with a picture of David Wells next to them, and he will finally get the credit he so deserves. When faced with a bad breakup in August you will learn revenge is sweet and finally do what you have been dying to do for years, walk up to the gun counter at Walmart and say "I will take a shotgun and a 12 pack". You will learn how to Belch the Celines Dions My Heart Will Go On while shooting up a Pontiac.
April~An engagement is in the cards for you this month. You will learn the importance of a good acme cream and how to properly apply it to your butt cheeks without dripping it on the carpet, this way your ready for that thong you will wear on your honeymoon. Be wary of strangers on your honeymoon though. A long ride into the hills of Mexico to score a bag of weed can prove dangerous and deadly when you forget your silly puddy at home and pull in too close to the hut.
May~Your expertise in Brick-a-Brack will come in handy with the Hurdy Gurdy Club this year, you will finally be recognized as one of the "great ones" by all Hurdy Gurdy's around the world of New Jersey. Your love life will take a bizarre twist though when you meet up with an old love interest in the porn section of the movie store. You will find yourself dressed in Cheetohs and the sex toy of a goat if your not careful.
June~Fire up the BBQ, you will develope a strange craving for scorched meat and charcoal weenies. Dont worry it will all pass around September with the cool weather and your craving will be replaced with the strange desire to drink cheap beer, yet you will only be able to drink Golden Anniversay Beer on Tuesdays after you hit it big at Bingo on Monday nights with the Hurdy Gurdy's. You will also learn to fly a Zepplin and will be able to escape capture when your friends catch on to your problems.
July~Tread lightly this year, your recent weight gain is taking its toll on your floors and Mrs Brickmenstien on the first floor has pieces of plaster in her wig she hasnt noticed yet. Also check out the Atkins diet for Dummies, Meat Shakes and Cheese and Lard souffle's will get you well back on the road to weight loss. Regardless of your lack of exercise. You will become famous with this weight loss and Oprah will pair you up with Dr Phil for your own reality show. You will live in the same house with Dr Phil, Tom Cruise, and Boy Goerge, whoever makes it out alive wins a years supply of Oprahs Book club books and 2 of everything she loves. Dont forget your Silly Puddy
August~You will birth Octuplets this year and name them all names that start with the letter Y. You will find your salvation in a soup kitchen in Boise when the man of your dreams drops you off with all your "Y's" and never comes back. Some kind stranger will take pity on you and you will become famous and write a book about the experience and end up on Lettermen after he sends you subliminal codes and you realize he loves you. You will have to fight Drew Barrymore topless on his desk though to win his infections, I mean affections (dont forget your Silly Puddy)
September~This will be the year of animal rescue for you, you will take on the cause of underpaid farm animals in the porn industry and win them their own Union. They will also finally have to wear real condoms instead of the sheepskin ones, the sheep were claiming animal cruelty. This case will make you famous and Michael Jackson's Bubbles will hire you to get Michael to wear a real condom also. Big bird will then hire you on for all Muppet animals who have to deal with hands up there asses all day and no gloves being worn.
Ocotober~Organic farming will be in the cards for you this year. You will grow organic mushrooms and cross them with Water Chestnuts and call them Shroomnuts, Chinese takeout will never be the same again, you will make a fortune and the world will be a more artistic place. Your largest order going to Bisbee Arizona.
November~Your dream of working on "The Chicken Farm" will come true this year, although when taking a cab from the airport Abdul the driver will misunderstand your destination and you will spend 3 months regurgitating food for baby chicks, but you will stay strong and finally arrive at "The Chicken Farm" with a whole new oral ability! So stock up on lipstick and garters, and beware of cab drivers named Abdul.
December~You will learn how to perform on the flying trapeez this year after falling in love with a gypsy, and you will run away with the circus. Your superior intelligence though will lead you astray and you will find the cure for Turet Syndrome with a concoction of circus peanuts and elephant spit. You will win a Nobel Prize, and you and 50 of your closest friends will show up for the ceremony in the clown car and steal the show!! Dont forget you Silly Puddy, just in case.
Happy New Year to all and until next year!!
APD ©
Horoscopes for the year 2006 brought to you by The Old Women in a Shoe (who had to many freaken kids she didnt know what to do).
January~This will be a year of reflection for you. You will fill your house with mirrors and line your walls with tin foil so you can reflect wherever you go in your home. You will also learn the importance of Silly Puddy while stuck in the car when you pulled up to close at the drive through window. Someone special will enter your life mid year and will leave you with an itchy feeling in your private spots, Silly Puddy holds no relevence here, but that bug spray you were getting ready to throw away last week may come in handy. A career change is in the works as you read this. Being Big Bird wont be as bad as you think.
February~This will be the year of Romance and Marraige for you, sometime in October you will wake up in a small hut next to a pigmy named Jason who has a fetish for Americans with good teeth and a crooked smile. Take it in stride, who knows you may enjoy that kind of thing. You also will get some health news in April, all those flu shots your Dr has been giving you every year were really Donkey DNA and he was trying to make an ass out of you by bilking your insurance company.
March~You will be King or Queen of the prom this year, you will learn that words like Holla and Home Boy will be accepted into the dictionary with a picture of David Wells next to them, and he will finally get the credit he so deserves. When faced with a bad breakup in August you will learn revenge is sweet and finally do what you have been dying to do for years, walk up to the gun counter at Walmart and say "I will take a shotgun and a 12 pack". You will learn how to Belch the Celines Dions My Heart Will Go On while shooting up a Pontiac.
April~An engagement is in the cards for you this month. You will learn the importance of a good acme cream and how to properly apply it to your butt cheeks without dripping it on the carpet, this way your ready for that thong you will wear on your honeymoon. Be wary of strangers on your honeymoon though. A long ride into the hills of Mexico to score a bag of weed can prove dangerous and deadly when you forget your silly puddy at home and pull in too close to the hut.
May~Your expertise in Brick-a-Brack will come in handy with the Hurdy Gurdy Club this year, you will finally be recognized as one of the "great ones" by all Hurdy Gurdy's around the world of New Jersey. Your love life will take a bizarre twist though when you meet up with an old love interest in the porn section of the movie store. You will find yourself dressed in Cheetohs and the sex toy of a goat if your not careful.
June~Fire up the BBQ, you will develope a strange craving for scorched meat and charcoal weenies. Dont worry it will all pass around September with the cool weather and your craving will be replaced with the strange desire to drink cheap beer, yet you will only be able to drink Golden Anniversay Beer on Tuesdays after you hit it big at Bingo on Monday nights with the Hurdy Gurdy's. You will also learn to fly a Zepplin and will be able to escape capture when your friends catch on to your problems.
July~Tread lightly this year, your recent weight gain is taking its toll on your floors and Mrs Brickmenstien on the first floor has pieces of plaster in her wig she hasnt noticed yet. Also check out the Atkins diet for Dummies, Meat Shakes and Cheese and Lard souffle's will get you well back on the road to weight loss. Regardless of your lack of exercise. You will become famous with this weight loss and Oprah will pair you up with Dr Phil for your own reality show. You will live in the same house with Dr Phil, Tom Cruise, and Boy Goerge, whoever makes it out alive wins a years supply of Oprahs Book club books and 2 of everything she loves. Dont forget your Silly Puddy
August~You will birth Octuplets this year and name them all names that start with the letter Y. You will find your salvation in a soup kitchen in Boise when the man of your dreams drops you off with all your "Y's" and never comes back. Some kind stranger will take pity on you and you will become famous and write a book about the experience and end up on Lettermen after he sends you subliminal codes and you realize he loves you. You will have to fight Drew Barrymore topless on his desk though to win his infections, I mean affections (dont forget your Silly Puddy)
September~This will be the year of animal rescue for you, you will take on the cause of underpaid farm animals in the porn industry and win them their own Union. They will also finally have to wear real condoms instead of the sheepskin ones, the sheep were claiming animal cruelty. This case will make you famous and Michael Jackson's Bubbles will hire you to get Michael to wear a real condom also. Big bird will then hire you on for all Muppet animals who have to deal with hands up there asses all day and no gloves being worn.
Ocotober~Organic farming will be in the cards for you this year. You will grow organic mushrooms and cross them with Water Chestnuts and call them Shroomnuts, Chinese takeout will never be the same again, you will make a fortune and the world will be a more artistic place. Your largest order going to Bisbee Arizona.
November~Your dream of working on "The Chicken Farm" will come true this year, although when taking a cab from the airport Abdul the driver will misunderstand your destination and you will spend 3 months regurgitating food for baby chicks, but you will stay strong and finally arrive at "The Chicken Farm" with a whole new oral ability! So stock up on lipstick and garters, and beware of cab drivers named Abdul.
December~You will learn how to perform on the flying trapeez this year after falling in love with a gypsy, and you will run away with the circus. Your superior intelligence though will lead you astray and you will find the cure for Turet Syndrome with a concoction of circus peanuts and elephant spit. You will win a Nobel Prize, and you and 50 of your closest friends will show up for the ceremony in the clown car and steal the show!! Dont forget you Silly Puddy, just in case.
Happy New Year to all and until next year!!
APD ©
posted by A Farce called Life at 1:31 PM
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