Ciao to 2005 Hello to me
Ciao to a year, hello to me Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Its 1 am and im 15 minutes into a valium and a half a bottle of champagne, so excuse my spelling or anything I may write here LOL
This was my year, they talk about getting close to 40 and having a year where you finally find yourself and are comfortable with who you are as a person.
I now know what they meant.
When my catatonic daughter had her shunt replaced in May and her brain started to wake up these past months it was like a small miracle. Finally she was the vibrant little girl I knew was trapped somewhere in that head of hers.
When my ex passed away in August suddenly from a blood clot I was sent on a journey that took me all the way back through the bowels of my fucked up life. From the terrifying to the wonderful and there was plenty of both. Some things were terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. The years of living a life of someone I would only read about now in a book, or see in a movie seem very displaced from me now. I still shake my head and wonder why and how.
The whole year lead me to an awakening though, I had put away pieces of myself 9 years ago, pieces I thought were dangerous and untrustworthy. I pulled those pieces out again this year and tried them on for size. It was walking a tightrope for the first time, fear and curiosity came rushing back.
Can I live with these pieces? Can I somehow fit them in my life again and still maintain me? What I discovered was the pieces that had been missing made me whole again and with the new pieces of me I was finally who I was meant to be.
I can. I will, and I am. I regained myself, I put all of my pieces in place and finally after 38 years feel comfortable in who I am.
Combining the fire and desire of the old me with the stable and grounded new me was like emerging from a shell.
What kept me from this for the past few years? Fear. Fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, and fear of losing.
Letting go of the fear was the hardest thing to do, why being afraid is so easy is a big subject to cover, Ill save that for another blog.
When I stuck all the pieces back in place, and I let go of the fear, it was an amazing experience. I love me, my husband loves me, my kids love me. They find the me of today more interesting and happy, more dedicated and strong, more full of life and passion.
This was my year. The year I found me.
This is the most honest I have ever been to myself in my life.
Ciao
APD ©
Its 1 am and im 15 minutes into a valium and a half a bottle of champagne, so excuse my spelling or anything I may write here LOL
This was my year, they talk about getting close to 40 and having a year where you finally find yourself and are comfortable with who you are as a person.
I now know what they meant.
When my catatonic daughter had her shunt replaced in May and her brain started to wake up these past months it was like a small miracle. Finally she was the vibrant little girl I knew was trapped somewhere in that head of hers.
When my ex passed away in August suddenly from a blood clot I was sent on a journey that took me all the way back through the bowels of my fucked up life. From the terrifying to the wonderful and there was plenty of both. Some things were terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. The years of living a life of someone I would only read about now in a book, or see in a movie seem very displaced from me now. I still shake my head and wonder why and how.
The whole year lead me to an awakening though, I had put away pieces of myself 9 years ago, pieces I thought were dangerous and untrustworthy. I pulled those pieces out again this year and tried them on for size. It was walking a tightrope for the first time, fear and curiosity came rushing back.
Can I live with these pieces? Can I somehow fit them in my life again and still maintain me? What I discovered was the pieces that had been missing made me whole again and with the new pieces of me I was finally who I was meant to be.
I can. I will, and I am. I regained myself, I put all of my pieces in place and finally after 38 years feel comfortable in who I am.
Combining the fire and desire of the old me with the stable and grounded new me was like emerging from a shell.
What kept me from this for the past few years? Fear. Fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, and fear of losing.
Letting go of the fear was the hardest thing to do, why being afraid is so easy is a big subject to cover, Ill save that for another blog.
When I stuck all the pieces back in place, and I let go of the fear, it was an amazing experience. I love me, my husband loves me, my kids love me. They find the me of today more interesting and happy, more dedicated and strong, more full of life and passion.
This was my year. The year I found me.
This is the most honest I have ever been to myself in my life.
Ciao
APD ©
posted by A Farce called Life at 1:28 PM
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