Cliff Diving Into Shit
Cliff diving into shit Current mood: crappy
Upon waking today I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a very high cliff, a vast red canyon below, I was not scared, I felt like I was on the verge of a great fall. I would be landing in what would be the rest of my day and it would be wonderful.
What a crock of shit that feeling was, my intuition completely missed the boat on me today.
The shit hit the fan literally, and I fell and fell and fell till I landed face first in the dirt spitting sand and gravel from my mouth.
We could talk about the fact that there was a 90 minute delay for school and I decided to say fuck it and kept the kids home today and they were cranky and tired of looking at each other for the past 2 weeks of no school.
We could add in the fact that Give it a Yank was running a temp of 102 and ended up blessing me with his presence all day long.
We could even go into my little one projectile vomiting all over me and Mother Teresa while screaming Mommy at the top of her lungs till my heart shattered in a thousand pieces and went diving off of that cliff with the rest of me.
But
The climax of the day, the topper on the cake, the finale to end all finale’s was standing ankle deep in my husbands shit plunging a toilet for 30 minutes, because rather then hear him whine I did it myself.
I was very busy with fixing kids lunches, trying to get some Tylenol into the baby, vacuuming, and a rash of other shit and I hear the tone of voice that makes me want to take a knife and stick it right into the top of his hand, pour salt into it and then slap the shit out of his face.
Aimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Aimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
I need towels!!! Quick
Now this isn’t your normal yell for help, this yell for help included a few words thrown in between that he was mumbling to himself, fuck shit son of a bitch.
Mother Teresa gives me “the eye” and says in her best Italian accent, dat huzbend off yours he iz a baby no? I say ohhhhh you don’t know the half of it.
So I grab 6 of my fluffiest towels thinking he wants to take a hot shower and is just being REALLY CRANKY, and I run upstairs and there he is,
Standing in the middle of the bathroom pants around his ankles swearing and saying the back of the toilet cracked and it broke and water is running all over.
So I say in my loudest take charge voice, because at this point his brain has shut down and he is not moving, he is frozen to the floor, I say “STEP INTO THE SHOWER” so in he goes, pants off first then I turn on the water hand him a bar of soap and say “wash those feet”, I grab a laundry basket because what I see next has me sick to my stomach. The toilet is overflowed, the water is brown and he has taken all 4 of my robes off the back of the door and thrown them onto the floor in front of the toilet to stop the flow if sewage from hitting the hallway. 2 natural hemp Aramis robes, 1 Donna Karen Robe, and one big fluffy white one I got from a spa.
All sitting in shit water in front of my toilet.
I look up with eyebrows raised, he is going on and on about the toilet being fucking broken and now he has to go buy a new one waaaa waaaaa waaaa waaaa waaaa, that was about what I heard.
I put all the robes in the laundry basket and tell him to step out of the tub into the hallway without touching the floor. I can practically see the ecoli crawling up the walls at this point, (you know me and dirty floors).
He steps out and goes in and gets changed and is still waaaaa waaaaaaa waaaaaing all the way back to his office.
I look around and think, OK while I am plunging I can plot revenge.
30 minutes later, a bottle of bleach, and a load of laundry in I have 7 plans of attack.
By the way, the toilet was not broke, he was too lazy to get a new roll of toilet paper and used the paper towels instead. It was a workout plunging.
I also want to know what the hell he ate yesterday. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Shitty story ha???
Upon waking today I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a very high cliff, a vast red canyon below, I was not scared, I felt like I was on the verge of a great fall. I would be landing in what would be the rest of my day and it would be wonderful.
What a crock of shit that feeling was, my intuition completely missed the boat on me today.
The shit hit the fan literally, and I fell and fell and fell till I landed face first in the dirt spitting sand and gravel from my mouth.
We could talk about the fact that there was a 90 minute delay for school and I decided to say fuck it and kept the kids home today and they were cranky and tired of looking at each other for the past 2 weeks of no school.
We could add in the fact that Give it a Yank was running a temp of 102 and ended up blessing me with his presence all day long.
We could even go into my little one projectile vomiting all over me and Mother Teresa while screaming Mommy at the top of her lungs till my heart shattered in a thousand pieces and went diving off of that cliff with the rest of me.
But
The climax of the day, the topper on the cake, the finale to end all finale’s was standing ankle deep in my husbands shit plunging a toilet for 30 minutes, because rather then hear him whine I did it myself.
I was very busy with fixing kids lunches, trying to get some Tylenol into the baby, vacuuming, and a rash of other shit and I hear the tone of voice that makes me want to take a knife and stick it right into the top of his hand, pour salt into it and then slap the shit out of his face.
Aimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Aimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
I need towels!!! Quick
Now this isn’t your normal yell for help, this yell for help included a few words thrown in between that he was mumbling to himself, fuck shit son of a bitch.
Mother Teresa gives me “the eye” and says in her best Italian accent, dat huzbend off yours he iz a baby no? I say ohhhhh you don’t know the half of it.
So I grab 6 of my fluffiest towels thinking he wants to take a hot shower and is just being REALLY CRANKY, and I run upstairs and there he is,
Standing in the middle of the bathroom pants around his ankles swearing and saying the back of the toilet cracked and it broke and water is running all over.
So I say in my loudest take charge voice, because at this point his brain has shut down and he is not moving, he is frozen to the floor, I say “STEP INTO THE SHOWER” so in he goes, pants off first then I turn on the water hand him a bar of soap and say “wash those feet”, I grab a laundry basket because what I see next has me sick to my stomach. The toilet is overflowed, the water is brown and he has taken all 4 of my robes off the back of the door and thrown them onto the floor in front of the toilet to stop the flow if sewage from hitting the hallway. 2 natural hemp Aramis robes, 1 Donna Karen Robe, and one big fluffy white one I got from a spa.
All sitting in shit water in front of my toilet.
I look up with eyebrows raised, he is going on and on about the toilet being fucking broken and now he has to go buy a new one waaaa waaaaa waaaa waaaa waaaa, that was about what I heard.
I put all the robes in the laundry basket and tell him to step out of the tub into the hallway without touching the floor. I can practically see the ecoli crawling up the walls at this point, (you know me and dirty floors).
He steps out and goes in and gets changed and is still waaaaa waaaaaaa waaaaaing all the way back to his office.
I look around and think, OK while I am plunging I can plot revenge.
30 minutes later, a bottle of bleach, and a load of laundry in I have 7 plans of attack.
By the way, the toilet was not broke, he was too lazy to get a new roll of toilet paper and used the paper towels instead. It was a workout plunging.
I also want to know what the hell he ate yesterday. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Shitty story ha???
posted by A Farce called Life at 1:21 PM
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