A Lamplight in the Dark
A lamplight in the dark
For many many months I have contimplated sharing a story. Too me a very beautiful, sweet, passionate, ugly, violent story. I felt if I could write it all down for everyone to see I could say to myself I am finally at peace with it.
I did I wrote it all down over a two day period. It wiped me out, I actually napped today, I never nap.
I shared it with one person. One person who may be able to do some good with it for someone else. If I can save one person from the darkness that plagued my life for so many years then I feel writing it was all worth it.
I realized something about myself these past few days when thinking about this first, then writing about it. I have spent many years looking at someone else blaming them for many many things that happened to me. I was baffled by not being able to figure some things out. I spent many sleepless night, many days dosed up on valium in the past few months turning things over and over in my head, having nightmares, contemplated leaving my family, I even thought death would end my pain at one point. Not that I could ever do that but it was a thought when nothing was getting rid of the turmoil in my heart and soul. When mapping out a life on paper these past few days, I realized something very very vital.
I was the cause of my own problems.
What it all went back to was me. The answer to every question, the place at the end of every road I traveled down all lead back to me.
None of it would have happened without the one problem I lived with for many years.
So all of the months of looking outward for answers the answer lay within myself.
I had an addiction. It was not drugs, it was not alcohol, although I did drink for a while to numb some pain back in the 90's to blind myself from the harsh reality of my life. It was not anything chemical.
I have realized my past is best left behind me. I realize I am the ruler of my world, and the only one who can do any harm to me is me when all is said and done.
What saved me from my past? When I thought about it I came up with one answer, Love. Something I had never been given before, unconditional love. From my husband who has loved me so purely and so completely for these past 8 years, but more importantly loving myself, a greater challenge in itself.
For many many years I confused sex with love. I never knew the meaning of the word. I thought I did. It didnt mean just because someone wanted to possess my body that they loved me. Or if if my body was being cherished by someone that I loved myself because I was worthy. What an ugly place to live for so long.
I did alot of ugly things, I had alot of ugly things done to me. I am amazed today I did not get myself killed or kill myself.
What kept me going?? That same passion I poured into my addiction I poured into life, and finally got through.
I was given a book called how to talk to your angels, I discovered spirituality, meditation and peace. I lived a life of solitude for a while. Then some angel felt I was ready to move onto the next phase of my life and moved me onto the next level. Thats when I met my husband, he was given to me only when god felt I would be able to recognize love that would last a lifetime and not confuse it with anything else.
So what is my conclusion? Sex and possession do not mean love.
To have real love in your life is a great gift, to love yourself is an even greater gift.
And, forgiving him was easy. Forgiving myself took guts, but,
I have finally done it. I have forgiven myself.
So I wont be sharing this story, I am leaving it behind. To publish it would destroy too many people, and to share it would not be fair to the other person in this story who is trying to rebuild a life he lost from all of our mistakes.
For many many months I have contimplated sharing a story. Too me a very beautiful, sweet, passionate, ugly, violent story. I felt if I could write it all down for everyone to see I could say to myself I am finally at peace with it.
I did I wrote it all down over a two day period. It wiped me out, I actually napped today, I never nap.
I shared it with one person. One person who may be able to do some good with it for someone else. If I can save one person from the darkness that plagued my life for so many years then I feel writing it was all worth it.
I realized something about myself these past few days when thinking about this first, then writing about it. I have spent many years looking at someone else blaming them for many many things that happened to me. I was baffled by not being able to figure some things out. I spent many sleepless night, many days dosed up on valium in the past few months turning things over and over in my head, having nightmares, contemplated leaving my family, I even thought death would end my pain at one point. Not that I could ever do that but it was a thought when nothing was getting rid of the turmoil in my heart and soul. When mapping out a life on paper these past few days, I realized something very very vital.
I was the cause of my own problems.
What it all went back to was me. The answer to every question, the place at the end of every road I traveled down all lead back to me.
None of it would have happened without the one problem I lived with for many years.
So all of the months of looking outward for answers the answer lay within myself.
I had an addiction. It was not drugs, it was not alcohol, although I did drink for a while to numb some pain back in the 90's to blind myself from the harsh reality of my life. It was not anything chemical.
I have realized my past is best left behind me. I realize I am the ruler of my world, and the only one who can do any harm to me is me when all is said and done.
What saved me from my past? When I thought about it I came up with one answer, Love. Something I had never been given before, unconditional love. From my husband who has loved me so purely and so completely for these past 8 years, but more importantly loving myself, a greater challenge in itself.
For many many years I confused sex with love. I never knew the meaning of the word. I thought I did. It didnt mean just because someone wanted to possess my body that they loved me. Or if if my body was being cherished by someone that I loved myself because I was worthy. What an ugly place to live for so long.
I did alot of ugly things, I had alot of ugly things done to me. I am amazed today I did not get myself killed or kill myself.
What kept me going?? That same passion I poured into my addiction I poured into life, and finally got through.
I was given a book called how to talk to your angels, I discovered spirituality, meditation and peace. I lived a life of solitude for a while. Then some angel felt I was ready to move onto the next phase of my life and moved me onto the next level. Thats when I met my husband, he was given to me only when god felt I would be able to recognize love that would last a lifetime and not confuse it with anything else.
So what is my conclusion? Sex and possession do not mean love.
To have real love in your life is a great gift, to love yourself is an even greater gift.
And, forgiving him was easy. Forgiving myself took guts, but,
I have finally done it. I have forgiven myself.
So I wont be sharing this story, I am leaving it behind. To publish it would destroy too many people, and to share it would not be fair to the other person in this story who is trying to rebuild a life he lost from all of our mistakes.
posted by A Farce called Life at 2:28 PM
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