The hills are alive with the sound of......... nothing

Need to get out of the hills.
I think Im going to drag my husband down to New York City one weekend in the very near future.
I grew up 13 miles outside of Manhatten and just love the city.
Have you ever just stood on a street in New York and felt the city around you? You can. It vibrates and hums with life and energy like you wouldnt believe.
We used to go down almost every weekend then we forgot how to use birth control and I became The Old Women In The Shoe and it got to be a little to much trouble to even get to the corner store, never mind the city.
The last time I was down was in the spring of 2005, we went to a Yankee game then down to Times Square for a pizza and to Toys R Us, which is amazing in itself, 3 stories and a ferris wheel in the middle. A real candyland full of candy and people all over demostrating toys. A 30 foot dinasour that roars and moves and GI Joes that scale a wall up and down continuously. A whole room just for Barbi and a huge Lego Castle. Its an amazing place.
One of my favorite places in the city is Washington Square Park. The guys playing chess are more reliable then time itself, they are always there, the acrobats in the middle or the dancers putting on a show, I even saw a few comedians down there trying to spread the word of their name.I am bringing my camera and I would love to get a few candid shots of some of the people in the park.
The freaks and geeks of the Village are wonderful and there is a sidewalk cafe you can get a great burger at and have a beer and people watch for hours.
So if your close to the City and want to cause some trouble and get some real chinese food with me in a few weeks let me know.
I need to charge my battery with the energy of the city, Im due.

Disfunction junction whats your function

Well, today was a day for the books.
I had a friend over for the day, it was supposed to be a day of girl talk, and comparing sewing projects, and a nice dinner.
Lets start with the fact my daughter decided she was going to be a big girl and stay up all night.
Ok so I watched teletubbies and Boobah till 4 am in the dark trying to her her to go to sleep.
I wake up at 10 am on the couch in a half assed position, she was on the floor on her little couch thing with pillows and blankets, apparently the husband found us snoozing and put her down afraid she would fall off the big couch.
So I had a kink in my neck and an incredibly strong desire to shave the sweater off my tongue that grew there over night.
I get up, go brush my teeth, pour a cup of coffee and thank god for the automatic timer.
Start cleaning and the family rises and all go outside, it was 60 degrees yaaa.
I figure Ill get alot done before Barbara gets here. I make a peach pie. The doorbell rings, I completely forget my daughters Occupational therapist is coming. So I let her in and she takes over with her for an hour
I run upstairs and take off all my clothes and im going to get in the shower.
I hear........MOMMMMMMMMMM DAD NEEDS YOU.......
This cant be good. I put on some clothes and got outside.
The fence, trellace and grape vine are all lying in the neighbors yard.
Uh oh
We had a ferocious wind storm and this was the result.
He needs my help putting it all back together and getting this array of heavy vines back on top.
I think, I have an hour and a half before Barb gets here this better be quick.
I ended up being the "hold this" person.
We got it done in an hour.
I rush inside, the girl leaves, pull the pie out of the oven. I hop in a 5 minute shower, run downstairs and start a spaghettie sauce.
She comes at 2, we have a glorious 2 hours of quilty fun, and thats when the shit hits the fan........................
The Outlaws show up.
Da da da daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I set 2 extra places at dinner. We all eat, have dessert and thats when we realized my father in law forgot to take his meds today. He is quite belligerent and my husband is having a hell of a time not telling him to shut the fuck up. He takes his pills, valium, prozac, whatever he needs to get through the day, but its wayyy to late at this point.
He gets into a rip roaring fight with my husband and he got my husband so upset, he could barely talk. He was fighting with him over something about his dead grandmother, who has been dead for over 10 years.
The kids were crying, and my quiet innocent non italian friend is just sitting there saying, its ok, I dont mind I finally get to see this family in action first hand.
The Outlaws leave and my husband has blocked there phone numbers and faxed them a letter stating we never want to hear from them again.
We did this once before. It was the most peaceful year of my life.
My friend Barb stayed for another hour and we had a nice chat.
Then I got to call Karen and whine about it for an hour.
Thank god its over, WHAT A BUNCH OF LUNATICS.
My poor husband went and sat in a chair for an hour and didnt move or talk, I thought he was dead.
He said that he has had enough of them and there disfunction. When they made the kids cry that was the last straw.
The end

Friends are like angels

When in my darkest hours
I cowered in a corner
Trapped by fear
God was watching
I felt a presence
I looked up from the dark
And I saw a hand
The hand of an Angel
He helped me up
And coaxed me along
Whispering in my ear
when things didnt make sense
When I couldnt see the path in front
He shouted over my own noise
To guide me along
I was never alone
I found my way
When I reached the destiny of me
He turned and walked away
An angel
to guide my fallen spirit
Now take our hands
We are whispering in your ear
We will shout over your noise
We will help you find the way
To you.
Let us be your Angels
Remember your own words In the end all there is, is love.

Boredom

Boredom
Darkness blankets my mind
The droning of the voices running through my head
The feeling of my eyelids flutter under the weight my disinterest
The conversation runs around outside of my attention
Then flits away never to be heard again
The only voice clear in my head is my own.
The utterence of the occasion ah ha
The voice in my head screams STOP

Silvers Soul 2

Silvers Soul

Silvers Soul dances on the moors in the soft glow of the shimmering moon
Flitting across the sky
like a shooting star
in the blackness of night
Her soul aching and burning,
waiting for him to come over to the other side
She transcends time and waits
in the darkness, condemned to this place that is nowhere,
yet everywhere all at once.
Forced to watch
the golden glow
of life and love
she gave up to save him
from the war
between both worlds
she belonged to.
Amy Peek-Domestico 2006©

Free

Free
Would you like to dance
across the mountains
on moonbeams made of silver and gold

Would you like to seranade the stars
Songs that bleed the blood of truth
With the love from your heart

Would you like to fly
through the black night sky
and throw painted stars from a pallet of trust

Would you like to swim
through the mist on the moors
with the dolphins of hopes and dreams

Would you like to soar high
above the mountains and the clouds
With Eagels made from feathers of joy

Climb from your dungeon
And flee from the fear
the shackles made of snakes that held you there

Come into the night and follow your soul
Dance across the mountains
on moonbeams made of silver and gold
Amy Peek-Domestico 2006©

Walking the line

Walking the line
After reading a blog this morning I made a small realization. There is a fine line that is drawn between creativity and insanity. Im sure many of you already know this and live with it daily.
I saw someone refer to themself as a phsycopath and could clearly see she was just an incredibly intellegent women with an amazing creative ability who was just having a bad time of it. Peering over the edge of the line and looking around.
Thats what we do isnt it? Most days we walk beside the line knowing it there, ignoring it, if we pretend its not there it will not be right?
Then there are the days we jump up on that line with a dramatic fashion and threaten to jump. We dare our sane side to screw with us anymore and let us be and create like we want to.
Then there are the days we teeter unmercifully too far gone to make a decision on which side to be so we wobble and weave and finally reality crashes back in on us and we fall back into life.
Then there are the very few, very obsolete days or nights we finally say fuck it all and back up 50 feet and take a running dive straight over to the other side.
Funny thing though, we unknowingly managed to tie a rope to the other side and find our way back when we are done.
So does this make us insane?? Or is it all in a days work for people who think with the left side of their brain.
I wonder if we took all people who have been hospitalized for unexplained mental illness and gave them a creative outlet, what would happen to them, would they find relief in their pain and suffering and finally feel like they have been free'd. Im not talking about the ones with clear obvious problems, and I dont want to get into diagnosis.
I think anyone who creates will delve into every part of their phyce and test the waters of every aspect of themselves. Its a given, creative people are curious, brave, world travelers of themselves and there own phyche. I think right brain thinkers lack the balls or ambition or reasons to do it.
Am I wrong? Or am I crazy LOL.

5000 pieces ages 8 and up

5000 pieces ages 8 and up
Life reminds me one of those really big puzzles. The kind that the pieces are really small and you have to reach a certain age to be able to figure it out. You try putting some pieces in places they dont belong, you keep trying with similar pieces and they dont fit, then finally you find the piece that fits, and you move onto another piece forgetting about the piece before. You can forget it, you put it together already and there is no need to dwell on that piece anymore.
Occasionally you drop a piece, look for it for days, then you find it right in plain sight under your table. Wondering why you missed it so many times, you had looked there already. Maybe you werent ready for that piece yet.
The outside pieces are the easiest, its the inside that will give you the most grief. Just like a person, you can put on makeup and nice clothes, but you may be in pieces on the inside.
Some pieces go together so easily, your suprised when it happens and they fit so perfect you have to check a couple of times to make sure they really did fit it was that easy.
Then you get almost the whole entire puzzle together and you realize your missing a few more pieces. These pieces will haunt you for a long time. Till you finally find them. One was under a chair, one ended up behind a door, etc. You finally put the last piece in. Relief its done. WOW cool picture. You feel a sense of completeness, you feel triumphant. You show everyone who comes in to your domain what you have done.
But, there is always a but
There is a sense of loss. The puzzle is done. What is next. You are sitting, with an empty box and a complete picture in front of you.
If your smart you sit back and enjoy the picture, put some glue on it, frame it and show it off for many years to come.
If your one who bores easily you take the whole thing apart and start over again, thinking you have done it once it should be easier the second time. It never is, its always a struggle. Fighting that puzzle over and over gets mighty old mighty quick. Because you will always end up with the same picture if you do it right.
Then there are the ones who go out and buy a new puzzle, even though you already have a stack of them 4 feet high in the closet. Never happy with the original puzzle. Always striving for bigger and better. Those are the ones who like excitement and to experience new things in life never satisfied, unquenchable thirst for living on the edge.
Which puzzle person are you? Im going to find out what kind I am soon.
Im hoping for number one. Ive already been 2 and 3.

A Lamplight in the Dark

A lamplight in the dark
For many many months I have contimplated sharing a story. Too me a very beautiful, sweet, passionate, ugly, violent story. I felt if I could write it all down for everyone to see I could say to myself I am finally at peace with it.
I did I wrote it all down over a two day period. It wiped me out, I actually napped today, I never nap.
I shared it with one person. One person who may be able to do some good with it for someone else. If I can save one person from the darkness that plagued my life for so many years then I feel writing it was all worth it.
I realized something about myself these past few days when thinking about this first, then writing about it. I have spent many years looking at someone else blaming them for many many things that happened to me. I was baffled by not being able to figure some things out. I spent many sleepless night, many days dosed up on valium in the past few months turning things over and over in my head, having nightmares, contemplated leaving my family, I even thought death would end my pain at one point. Not that I could ever do that but it was a thought when nothing was getting rid of the turmoil in my heart and soul. When mapping out a life on paper these past few days, I realized something very very vital.
I was the cause of my own problems.
What it all went back to was me. The answer to every question, the place at the end of every road I traveled down all lead back to me.
None of it would have happened without the one problem I lived with for many years.
So all of the months of looking outward for answers the answer lay within myself.
I had an addiction. It was not drugs, it was not alcohol, although I did drink for a while to numb some pain back in the 90's to blind myself from the harsh reality of my life. It was not anything chemical.
I have realized my past is best left behind me. I realize I am the ruler of my world, and the only one who can do any harm to me is me when all is said and done.
What saved me from my past? When I thought about it I came up with one answer, Love. Something I had never been given before, unconditional love. From my husband who has loved me so purely and so completely for these past 8 years, but more importantly loving myself, a greater challenge in itself.
For many many years I confused sex with love. I never knew the meaning of the word. I thought I did. It didnt mean just because someone wanted to possess my body that they loved me. Or if if my body was being cherished by someone that I loved myself because I was worthy. What an ugly place to live for so long.
I did alot of ugly things, I had alot of ugly things done to me. I am amazed today I did not get myself killed or kill myself.
What kept me going?? That same passion I poured into my addiction I poured into life, and finally got through.
I was given a book called how to talk to your angels, I discovered spirituality, meditation and peace. I lived a life of solitude for a while. Then some angel felt I was ready to move onto the next phase of my life and moved me onto the next level. Thats when I met my husband, he was given to me only when god felt I would be able to recognize love that would last a lifetime and not confuse it with anything else.
So what is my conclusion? Sex and possession do not mean love.
To have real love in your life is a great gift, to love yourself is an even greater gift.
And, forgiving him was easy. Forgiving myself took guts, but,
I have finally done it. I have forgiven myself.
So I wont be sharing this story, I am leaving it behind. To publish it would destroy too many people, and to share it would not be fair to the other person in this story who is trying to rebuild a life he lost from all of our mistakes.

Socks and Sweaters

Socks and Sweaters Current mood: thankful
Darkness swallows the day
Coldness slides in sideways
Sneaking past the window
and
Skirting past the drapes
Like a thief in the night.
She has on socks today
She hates socks
She has on that sweater she has had for 20 years
She hates sweaters
She feels him behind her
Warm breath on her neck
Love on his breath
No need for socks or sweaters
She thanks love for the warmth
APD ©

Thank you in Emotion

Thank you in emotion
I was wandering through my mind tonight, kicking around tumbleweeds and old cardboard boxes full of crap I had put away. I decided I needed to clean house.
So I got out the broom and started sweeping, dust bunnies were scattering like snow flakes in the wind. It wasnt long before I had a pile of dirt and dust and I picked it up in one fell swoop and dumped it out my right ear.
That left the boxes full of crap. There is a door in the back of this room if you walk though it, you will see aisles of file cabinets.
They go in order of emotions.
I look at the boxes I have never put away and start to think about where to file them. Do they go under anger? I have plenty of room in the anger files, I try not to use them too much. I am feeling angry about these boxes so its a maybe.
I think about sad, I look at the 2 aisles of sad. Thinking sad gets too much of my catch all I decide its not appropriate to put these boxes in sad, these boxes deserves a permanent home so I never have to look at it again. I think about happy, there is plenty of happy in these boxes, but its clouded by regret. Regret is a huge possibility. Ill come back to that later.
I think about acceptence, this was always a struggle with these boxes, so I cant put it in there. Envy is not in play at all. Anticipation, that was short lived. Jealousy, never had a part, so thats a no. Remorse, was there for a bit, but only stopped in at the end to say Hi.
Sorrow, hmmm good one, its been with these boxes since the beginning, we will stick sorrow up on the board of possiblities. Disgust?? Maybe just a little, a smidge, not even on the radar when you compare it to sorrow and sad. Suprise? Well that came not to long ago, so its too new to hold any water. Boredom??? NO way, never had anything to do with these boxes.
That leaves Love, Joy, Hope, Fear and Guilt. 5 emotions I can live with for these boxes. I have opened these boxes, I touch your face and hug you close. I break the files up into sections, Joy for all of the joy you brought me for all of those years, Hope for what I have for your future as you walk through the rest of your life, Guilt, I have carried guilt around for 10 years after I left you standing on that curb then watched you succumb to a life that almost destroyed you, Fear, what I lived with for many years till this past September till we gave each other the greatest gift we could have ever given each other, the gift of forgiveness, which brought us back to Love. I will seal this box with Love and I am filing it away in a new aisle. It will be the only box in this aisle and will be a memory of every emotion that made up who we were together.
When these boxes are gone and my mind is full of laughing children, warm hugs, and a funny man who makes me laugh every day
I will remember to come back when I need to and visit, to remember where we came from and how we were made into who we are today. I will leave you with one emotion, gratitude. Gratitude for being strong, gratitude for seeing the sense in life when I could not, and for being after all was said and done, a friend. Thank you for being the strong one this time and not letting me fall.
Thank you
APD ©

2006 Horoscopes Happy New Year

2006 Horoscopes Happy New Year!

Horoscopes for the year 2006 brought to you by The Old Women in a Shoe (who had to many freaken kids she didnt know what to do).

January~This will be a year of reflection for you. You will fill your house with mirrors and line your walls with tin foil so you can reflect wherever you go in your home. You will also learn the importance of Silly Puddy while stuck in the car when you pulled up to close at the drive through window. Someone special will enter your life mid year and will leave you with an itchy feeling in your private spots, Silly Puddy holds no relevence here, but that bug spray you were getting ready to throw away last week may come in handy. A career change is in the works as you read this. Being Big Bird wont be as bad as you think.
February~This will be the year of Romance and Marraige for you, sometime in October you will wake up in a small hut next to a pigmy named Jason who has a fetish for Americans with good teeth and a crooked smile. Take it in stride, who knows you may enjoy that kind of thing. You also will get some health news in April, all those flu shots your Dr has been giving you every year were really Donkey DNA and he was trying to make an ass out of you by bilking your insurance company.
March~You will be King or Queen of the prom this year, you will learn that words like Holla and Home Boy will be accepted into the dictionary with a picture of David Wells next to them, and he will finally get the credit he so deserves. When faced with a bad breakup in August you will learn revenge is sweet and finally do what you have been dying to do for years, walk up to the gun counter at Walmart and say "I will take a shotgun and a 12 pack". You will learn how to Belch the Celines Dions My Heart Will Go On while shooting up a Pontiac.
April~An engagement is in the cards for you this month. You will learn the importance of a good acme cream and how to properly apply it to your butt cheeks without dripping it on the carpet, this way your ready for that thong you will wear on your honeymoon. Be wary of strangers on your honeymoon though. A long ride into the hills of Mexico to score a bag of weed can prove dangerous and deadly when you forget your silly puddy at home and pull in too close to the hut.
May~Your expertise in Brick-a-Brack will come in handy with the Hurdy Gurdy Club this year, you will finally be recognized as one of the "great ones" by all Hurdy Gurdy's around the world of New Jersey. Your love life will take a bizarre twist though when you meet up with an old love interest in the porn section of the movie store. You will find yourself dressed in Cheetohs and the sex toy of a goat if your not careful.
June~Fire up the BBQ, you will develope a strange craving for scorched meat and charcoal weenies. Dont worry it will all pass around September with the cool weather and your craving will be replaced with the strange desire to drink cheap beer, yet you will only be able to drink Golden Anniversay Beer on Tuesdays after you hit it big at Bingo on Monday nights with the Hurdy Gurdy's. You will also learn to fly a Zepplin and will be able to escape capture when your friends catch on to your problems.
July~Tread lightly this year, your recent weight gain is taking its toll on your floors and Mrs Brickmenstien on the first floor has pieces of plaster in her wig she hasnt noticed yet. Also check out the Atkins diet for Dummies, Meat Shakes and Cheese and Lard souffle's will get you well back on the road to weight loss. Regardless of your lack of exercise. You will become famous with this weight loss and Oprah will pair you up with Dr Phil for your own reality show. You will live in the same house with Dr Phil, Tom Cruise, and Boy Goerge, whoever makes it out alive wins a years supply of Oprahs Book club books and 2 of everything she loves. Dont forget your Silly Puddy
August~You will birth Octuplets this year and name them all names that start with the letter Y. You will find your salvation in a soup kitchen in Boise when the man of your dreams drops you off with all your "Y's" and never comes back. Some kind stranger will take pity on you and you will become famous and write a book about the experience and end up on Lettermen after he sends you subliminal codes and you realize he loves you. You will have to fight Drew Barrymore topless on his desk though to win his infections, I mean affections (dont forget your Silly Puddy)
September~This will be the year of animal rescue for you, you will take on the cause of underpaid farm animals in the porn industry and win them their own Union. They will also finally have to wear real condoms instead of the sheepskin ones, the sheep were claiming animal cruelty. This case will make you famous and Michael Jackson's Bubbles will hire you to get Michael to wear a real condom also. Big bird will then hire you on for all Muppet animals who have to deal with hands up there asses all day and no gloves being worn.
Ocotober~Organic farming will be in the cards for you this year. You will grow organic mushrooms and cross them with Water Chestnuts and call them Shroomnuts, Chinese takeout will never be the same again, you will make a fortune and the world will be a more artistic place. Your largest order going to Bisbee Arizona.
November~Your dream of working on "The Chicken Farm" will come true this year, although when taking a cab from the airport Abdul the driver will misunderstand your destination and you will spend 3 months regurgitating food for baby chicks, but you will stay strong and finally arrive at "The Chicken Farm" with a whole new oral ability! So stock up on lipstick and garters, and beware of cab drivers named Abdul.
December~You will learn how to perform on the flying trapeez this year after falling in love with a gypsy, and you will run away with the circus. Your superior intelligence though will lead you astray and you will find the cure for Turet Syndrome with a concoction of circus peanuts and elephant spit. You will win a Nobel Prize, and you and 50 of your closest friends will show up for the ceremony in the clown car and steal the show!! Dont forget you Silly Puddy, just in case.
Happy New Year to all and until next year!!
APD ©

Ciao to 2005 Hello to me

Ciao to a year, hello to me Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Its 1 am and im 15 minutes into a valium and a half a bottle of champagne, so excuse my spelling or anything I may write here LOL
This was my year, they talk about getting close to 40 and having a year where you finally find yourself and are comfortable with who you are as a person.
I now know what they meant.
When my catatonic daughter had her shunt replaced in May and her brain started to wake up these past months it was like a small miracle. Finally she was the vibrant little girl I knew was trapped somewhere in that head of hers.
When my ex passed away in August suddenly from a blood clot I was sent on a journey that took me all the way back through the bowels of my fucked up life. From the terrifying to the wonderful and there was plenty of both. Some things were terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. The years of living a life of someone I would only read about now in a book, or see in a movie seem very displaced from me now. I still shake my head and wonder why and how.
The whole year lead me to an awakening though, I had put away pieces of myself 9 years ago, pieces I thought were dangerous and untrustworthy. I pulled those pieces out again this year and tried them on for size. It was walking a tightrope for the first time, fear and curiosity came rushing back.
Can I live with these pieces? Can I somehow fit them in my life again and still maintain me? What I discovered was the pieces that had been missing made me whole again and with the new pieces of me I was finally who I was meant to be.
I can. I will, and I am. I regained myself, I put all of my pieces in place and finally after 38 years feel comfortable in who I am.
Combining the fire and desire of the old me with the stable and grounded new me was like emerging from a shell.
What kept me from this for the past few years? Fear. Fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, and fear of losing.
Letting go of the fear was the hardest thing to do, why being afraid is so easy is a big subject to cover, Ill save that for another blog.
When I stuck all the pieces back in place, and I let go of the fear, it was an amazing experience. I love me, my husband loves me, my kids love me. They find the me of today more interesting and happy, more dedicated and strong, more full of life and passion.
This was my year. The year I found me.
This is the most honest I have ever been to myself in my life.
Ciao
APD ©

Inpirational Inspiration

Inspirational inspiration Current mood: restless
What inspires me, this is my thought as it passes midnight and heads to 2 AM with the blink of an eye.
I can think of a handful of things, one of them being loneliness, another is sadness. Those are my two major inspirers, kind of depressing isn’t it? I can’t help but think I am not the only one inspired by unhappiness. But there is the key point. Unhappiness. My loneliness or sadness does not make me unhappy. I actually feel like they are old friends, as comfortable as an old shirt that fits just right. I have learned to take these two emotions and make them work in my life. They have become key elements in my existence. I can be lonely in a room full of people. I can be lonely in a room full of people who love me, which is a real posing thought for me. Loneliness for me is always in the shadows. It sometimes just gets a little more dominant if I miss it too much and let it show its face in the light of day.
Sadness, I don’t share the same fondness for sadness as I do for loneliness, although don’t get me wrong it serves its purpose, it makes for some great poetry, lord knows morose is my middle name at times. It also makes for a quieter day for me. I welcome the quiet that sadness brings. It’s a nice change from my usual hustle and bustle, the chatter and the laughter. I enjoy a quiet sadness.

Then we can flip the coin and look at my brighter side, yes I have one. Funny, inspires me, I love funny. I love to laugh, as much as I love to cry. I fell in love with my husband’s sense of humor and married him on a whim because he made me laugh on the inside and the outside.
Then there is the joy of looking at situations from different angles and finding new sides to things. I love to look at something and look at it from a completely opposite side of the norm. What a wondrous way to see the world. You’re not looking through the eyes of status quo or the norm. What beauty I find in that simple act.

Love, love inspires me. As it does everyone else, nothing glamorous to talk about here. I have yet to be able to write anything very sensual yet though. I’ve always had a problem with stuff like that, I can’t even talk dirty, and I end up laughing like an idiot. I have tried it a few times, haaaaaaaaaa, what a joke, “I want to take my hand and run it up your ahahahahahahahahahaha” it’s a useless gesture. I don’t even try anymore. Poor guy.

The biggest inspiration I have found in life so far is people, all kinds of people, from the down right boring, to the outright ridiculous. Even a glance at someone’s bad hair day can bring me to the brink of insanity with the need to write it down, get it on paper before it slips away.

So that’s it, that’s what inspires me. What is the order of your inspiration, what makes you tick when it comes to writing, have you ever asked yourself this question?

I was inspired tonight by inspiration itself. Interesting.

APD©

Cold Lard in Cup of Revenge

Chaos Current mood: satisfied
Life for me has been pretty quiet, the husband is truly sick, 103 temp a chest full of something that resembles road tar and he vomits every time I mention the words "cold lard". Not that I have done it that much, just enough to amuse myself I guess . The sound of him wretching just warms my heart. I have always told him throughout the life of our marraige, I dont ever get mad, (which I do not normally, maybe once a year I throw a fit) I get even. This is what keeps my blood pressure at 120 over 82 on a daily basis. This is what makes me the calm cool patient person I am.
I tuck a fight he decides he wants to have away for a later date and when the perfect time arises, I rise to the task.
Not feeling good?? How about a nice cup of cold lard? hahahahhaha
Wretttttttttttttttttttttttttttchhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Ok so I did it twice.
He had to get all that crap up right???
I once snipped the threads in the crotch of his favorite pants. They didnt let loose till he squated down at work to drill a hole in a floor. mwahahahaha.
He just thought he was getting fatter.
Then there was the time he was intent on wearing a particular sweatshirt to work the next day, it was a pre-wire in new construction and it was colder then a bitch out. I put it in the dryer after washing it for 20 minutes, just enough to get the heavy moisture out, not enough to get out the dampness. He froze his ass off for the first 2 hours of work.
These moments are reserved for when he really pisses me off, dont think Im the revenge goddess of CT. These are special times that get me through this vast maze we call marraige. Its more fun then fighting and the satisfaction factor is phenomenal!!
Oh yes, occasionally I forget to put the sugar in his travel mug in the morning.

Always

Always
She sits in warmth and sunshine
Basking in the future
She feels the familiar ice cold whisps of air
She waits knows what is coming
The darkness reaches into her mind
Grasping at her bad times and pulling them near
It wraps its cold fingers around each moment
and throws them down on the ground at her feet
It booms in a voice so loud the silence shattered
"REMEMBER REMEMBER I WONT LET THEM GO AWAY"
Mesmorized by the feeling she gets when looking
She will never forget those times that made her feel so much
Darkness wont let her
She holds them close and rocks them gently
Waiting for darkness to release its hold
With the warmth of her love
The cold fingers release their grip
And she gently puts them back till he returns again
It wont be long, he is never far behind her
As she walks slowly ahead
Always looking back
Making sure he is still there
And
He is
Always
APD©

Transgendered Shovel

Transgendered shovel Current mood: bored
There is something about a transgendered male now name Amery shoveling snow with his long billowy curls blowing in the wind that makes me think I live in the the twilight zone. It does not help that Fiddler on the Roof music is blasting from his/her living room window he has thrown wide open, or that his girlfriend is prancing on the big porch in her silk robe smoking a cigarette with one of those long fancy cigarette holders singing along trying to recapture a moment in time when she was "it" on broadway. Its quite beautiful in a very movie like way.
One warm August night around midnight I heard drums, and looked out my window and saw the faint light of a cigarette on the porch and I pulled on my robe and walked across the street to see what was going on. An empty bottle of white wine sat on the table and they sat on the steps, drum between his legs thumping away, and she was singing away, oblivious to neighbors and the time. They felt the need to express themselved and they were. She has an amazing voice and is now an acting teacher at a very very expensive private school, he is a musician in a theater orchestra. He only works in the winter. I can understand now how creativity will come out in ways like they expressed that night. They had said, we just need to be singing now. Before I just thought they were odd.
I had a hard time believing he used to be a women, he is in fact a very muscular man with a gorgeous face and the most lucious curls I have ever seen on a man. But as you get to know him you notice when he is upset his voice gets very very high, and he asks all the neighbor men to help him lift the really heavy things a man would normally be able to lift. Then the clincher was this past summer he was lying on his front porch, he had been painting, and he was flat on his back, I ran over to make sure he was ok and had not fallen and I saw those two crescent moon shaped scars under his breasts. Funny thing, his name used to be Amy, they refer to the old him as "Amy with a skirt on". They have lived here a while and some of the neighbors knew Amy before he was Amery.
Ill never forget the day my husband asked him to take a ride to pick up a grill at home depot, this was before we knew he used to be a women. My husband was yapping and kidding around with him in the front yard and threw an arm around his shoulder and gave him a big slap on the back. The look on his face confused me it was a "Ooooof that hurt look" I guess its understandable now.
So I will sit and watch Amery shovel and Carolyn belt out a tune and smoke her cigarettes in her silk robe. It does my heart good to know they are pissing off the Granola Girl next door. (nother story)

APD©

Day 3

Day 3 Current mood: sad
Last thoughts of the day, before I go take my day out on a rotary cutter and some fabric.

I feel like someone just walked through my soul. A presence that wont show its face.
Its day 3 of my bad moment turning into a long stretch of thoughts. I tried to pin point the moment it happened, and I remembered stepping into the shower the other day and all of a sudden “he” was there in my thoughts, and I thought to myself, “wow there you are”, I had gotten to the point where he was not running through my head most of the day, thoughts of him had been replaced with the present and the future. At first I thought it was just going to take time to get over this. I think I may still be dealing with unresolved issues. On my part. Is it the guilt that is still getting to me? Guilt of feeling I abandon someone when they needed me most? I don’t know, I know I couldn’t save him he had to save himself, but the guilt is still there. Would his life be any different if I had stayed? Would there be any change in how things turned out? I will never know. I have to accept that and move on.
I should know better obsessing about could haves, should haves, and would haves. I know that is a very unhealthy attitude that will get me absolutely nowhere.

I just read a blog about forgiveness and I was so happy with the fact that we were able to forgive each other back in September, I really thought that was a wonderful thing. I just now am realizing it was only half of the answer. I need to forgive myself. How do you do that? I wish I knew.
I will do what I do best in times like this, I am going to sew. I am making a quilt today, well starting a new one anyway.

APD©

Any Cheese with that Wine

Any cheese with that whine? Current mood: thankful
I feel like a selfish spoiled whining brat right now. One of the women on my quilting group on Yahoo went through 3 rounds of Chemo and just completed radiation and was given a clean bill of health on Wed of last week. Friday her husband went to her Quilt Shop to open up for her in the morning and the whole building blew up. Seems they had a ventless propane heater inside that leaked all night, when he opened the door in the morning KABOOM. He was thrown quite a distance and is going to be OK but she lost her whole entire business along with many heirloom quilts which cannot be replaced.

Now granted she has plenty to be thankful for, her health is coming back and her husband lived.

But when I think of the stupid shit I complain about day in and day out I feel like a complete and utter selfish ass.

So I tell my husband what happened and he says to me “but honey its part of your charm”. Since when is whining part of anyones charm. He told me I have made an art form out of it and if I stopped he would think I had gotten a lobotomy. I guess my complaining amuses him as much as his whining amuses me. What a sick twisted relationship!! (we only do this much whining 10% of our married life so don’t think it’s a big whine fest all day it is not).
So I am going to honor my friend and my husband and try and whine and complain with style from here on out.

No more mediocre complaining, no more hum drum bitching and moaning, I will be giving it all the passion and fire it so deserves and then some!!

I truly believe if I am going to whine I HAVE to make it worth everyones while.

So please if you notice my complaining getting a little stale or old, please let me know so I can pepper it with spice adjectives and smarmy little quotes.

Thank you and goodnight……………………next show is at 11 (jk)


PS I sewed all day and needed to write something before I went to bed and out of my mind.

Cliff Diving Into Shit

Cliff diving into shit Current mood: crappy
Upon waking today I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a very high cliff, a vast red canyon below, I was not scared, I felt like I was on the verge of a great fall. I would be landing in what would be the rest of my day and it would be wonderful.

What a crock of shit that feeling was, my intuition completely missed the boat on me today.

The shit hit the fan literally, and I fell and fell and fell till I landed face first in the dirt spitting sand and gravel from my mouth.

We could talk about the fact that there was a 90 minute delay for school and I decided to say fuck it and kept the kids home today and they were cranky and tired of looking at each other for the past 2 weeks of no school.

We could add in the fact that Give it a Yank was running a temp of 102 and ended up blessing me with his presence all day long.

We could even go into my little one projectile vomiting all over me and Mother Teresa while screaming Mommy at the top of her lungs till my heart shattered in a thousand pieces and went diving off of that cliff with the rest of me.

But

The climax of the day, the topper on the cake, the finale to end all finale’s was standing ankle deep in my husbands shit plunging a toilet for 30 minutes, because rather then hear him whine I did it myself.

I was very busy with fixing kids lunches, trying to get some Tylenol into the baby, vacuuming, and a rash of other shit and I hear the tone of voice that makes me want to take a knife and stick it right into the top of his hand, pour salt into it and then slap the shit out of his face.

Aimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Aimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I need towels!!! Quick

Now this isn’t your normal yell for help, this yell for help included a few words thrown in between that he was mumbling to himself, fuck shit son of a bitch.

Mother Teresa gives me “the eye” and says in her best Italian accent, dat huzbend off yours he iz a baby no? I say ohhhhh you don’t know the half of it.

So I grab 6 of my fluffiest towels thinking he wants to take a hot shower and is just being REALLY CRANKY, and I run upstairs and there he is,

Standing in the middle of the bathroom pants around his ankles swearing and saying the back of the toilet cracked and it broke and water is running all over.
So I say in my loudest take charge voice, because at this point his brain has shut down and he is not moving, he is frozen to the floor, I say “STEP INTO THE SHOWER” so in he goes, pants off first then I turn on the water hand him a bar of soap and say “wash those feet”, I grab a laundry basket because what I see next has me sick to my stomach. The toilet is overflowed, the water is brown and he has taken all 4 of my robes off the back of the door and thrown them onto the floor in front of the toilet to stop the flow if sewage from hitting the hallway. 2 natural hemp Aramis robes, 1 Donna Karen Robe, and one big fluffy white one I got from a spa.
All sitting in shit water in front of my toilet.

I look up with eyebrows raised, he is going on and on about the toilet being fucking broken and now he has to go buy a new one waaaa waaaaa waaaa waaaa waaaa, that was about what I heard.

I put all the robes in the laundry basket and tell him to step out of the tub into the hallway without touching the floor. I can practically see the ecoli crawling up the walls at this point, (you know me and dirty floors).

He steps out and goes in and gets changed and is still waaaaa waaaaaaa waaaaaing all the way back to his office.

I look around and think, OK while I am plunging I can plot revenge.

30 minutes later, a bottle of bleach, and a load of laundry in I have 7 plans of attack.

By the way, the toilet was not broke, he was too lazy to get a new roll of toilet paper and used the paper towels instead. It was a workout plunging.

I also want to know what the hell he ate yesterday. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Shitty story ha???

The Theif

The thief
You left a void
I filled it with creativity.
You took my passion
I sewed together new
You broke my mind
I wrote another
You shattered my life
I stitched a new one
You starved my love
I fed it with words
You chased my dreams
I wove new ones
You haunt my nights
I write you out of my days
You think me a possesion
I know you are mine
You kept my soul
I drink from yours
When all is said
and all is done
I am the thief this time.
© A.P.D.