Dark Day

Today was very dark, it rained all day and is only 44 degrees outside. Gloomy and bleak. Kind of like my mood. Today was one of those bad days, one of those days that "he" is in my head for unknown reasons. I know he has no business being there, he knows he has no business being there, but it just happens. He just pops up for unknown reasons. These days have gotten less as time has gone on, its been a while since I had a whole day of "him". They had depleted to just moments.
It baffles me to no end, I know its not good, its not healthy, nor is it any kind of winning situation, but still his memory persists in my head. Its been 10 years and you would think it would get easier. It has not. Its gotten to be less frequent but it has not gotten any easier.
Im not looking for advice or sympathy. Im just venting. Maybe writing it down and walking away from it will make "him" go away today.
Being chased around by one of your saddest ghosts is like walking in quick sand with lead boots on.
There has to be a solution to this issue, I cant help but think it will be like this forever. There has to be an answer. I just dont know what it is yet.

What is it about myself that can have such a great fucking day, kids just perfect, husband beyond wonderful, me in a great mood, and come close to midnight and my brain starts to wander off into the land of the sad little lonely people.
Im grateful for the wonderful family and life I have been given, Im not feeling angry or depressed, its a hard feeling to describe actually.
Its almost like a tugging, something pulling at the center of my existence. A dash of sadness, a sprinkle of loneliness, and a big swig of my ghosts stepping in front of me and saying "stop you cant go any further with this today, you must come with us". Where do we go? I see swirls of mist and grey, long dark robes, hoods with no faces. Its not a scary place, no not at all, just a very quiet place that gives me a spot to go at the end of the day and think. Its where my mind goes with all of my thoughts at the days end and puts it all into perspective. Balances out the bad and the good and places it all where it belongs.
Maybe its the Libra in me, scales of balance, trying to maintain a level of conciousness that includes all sides to every situation. Impossible to figure out everymoment of the day in the hectic life of raising a family, but given the right environment it can be achieved, hence my place, the place I go around midnight most every night to balance it all out.
Whatever it is I will name it "grey matter". Its very grey and very much in my mind, and very much matters, to my sanity anyway.

Twas the Week Before New Years

Twas the week before New Years

Twas the night after christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring they had all gotten soused
The dried sausage was hung in the basement with care
In hopes that the relatives would come by for the New Year
With I in my silk lounge pants and mom planning the macaroni
We had all settled down even loud Uncle Tony
When out in the driveway there arose such a racket
I sprang from my lounge chair, stubbed my toe and screamed Oh Fuck It!
Away to the window mom ran with her shot gun
Ripped open the double hungs and said "I cant believe he has come"
The moon shone so bright over the New York skyline
All I could here was a cell phone and the sound of a Jersey whine
Then what did my wandering eyes see come through the door
But that fucking rat cousin Joey and his side cart whore (thats for you Karen)
Seems his sentence was up the night before last
And he needed a place to stay and a little cash
So I in my silk lounge pants and mom with her roni's
Turned the whole situation over to the Great Uncle Tony
See when problems arise in this family like this
Its nice to be able to make them go sleep with the fish.
Uncle Tony made a call on his cell phone that night
And we never saw that rat cousin Joey again after the dawn of day light
With the holidays over and the New Year just down the line
We planned out a party and made us some wine.
The kids all came home and the cousins from Vegas
We had a good time and remembered the men who made us.
Its a new year we sang with a jug in our hands
365 days to pillage the lands
So from my family to yours during this holiday time
I invite you all here to share in our wine
Just excuse the yelling and swearing you will hear
Its just us Italians Bringing in the New Year.
Written by Amy D. for my crazy family

Thoughts

Silent whispers in the darkness of the night
I see your face reflecting in the pale moonlight
When the last dew dop fell off the stars in the sky
I blinked and you were gone just a flicker in my eye
When quiet replaces the noise of the day
Your in my mind, I cant keep you at bay
When will this agony cease and be gone
My heart tells me its right but my head tells me its wrong
There is no more hello's nor any goodbye's
You are always just there waiting for my day to lie
The silence is deafening, from my thoughts I cant hide
The thought of our love consuming my mind
So I lie here in bed a prisoner of my thoughts
My heart is breaking its you it has sought
I look back at the moon and the stars as I fly
Off to sleep to escape your face as I cry
My last tear drop entwines with the last dew drop that fell
From the stars in the sky as I look up from this cell

Hold that second thought

Chirstiana has discovered she can speak. Its been a week and the words are pouring out of her mouth like little superballs out of a machine, they are bouncing and reverberating all over the house!!
The little door in her brain that held back all of the words for so long has been opened.

I would say I dont know why, but I will admit here that since she has been sick her seizure meds have only been getting into her once a day for weeks now. The fog must have lifted from her brain.
Now that her sugar is under control I havent noticed a seizure in forever, so I put a call into the DR to tell them of my deed. This way if its wrong, we can come to a different conclusion. Those meds are holding her back. She even tried to stand last night after pulling herself up on the coffee table, its like she has realized laying there and just smiling is not good enough for her, she now wants more out of life!

She greeted my son as he walked into a room last night "Hi Chris", she looked at her sister the night before and said" awe sister".
I asked her where daddy was and she said "upstairs". I called her Shrimpy last night and she said "what".

This is a kid who had a 20 word or less vocabulary as of a month ago. She is counting to 13, saying her ABC's, saying hi to all of her PBS friends on TV, Barney, Elmo, Sagwa, LaLa.
She tried to read along with Walter the Farting Dog and was calling out for Howard, Walters owner.

I am marveling at all she has learned over the past 4 years and has not been able to communicate to us. How frustrating for her.

Miracle for Christmas this year again. My husband asked what I wanted last night I told him nothing, I have what I want, he insisted on getting me something, I told him nothing 6 times, he broke me down, I said ok get me a crockpot. Whats wrong with me I should have said that Mercedes 900!! Like I had a chance anyway LOL.

Savannah

When your signifigent other leaves a pamphlet and a letter about a conference that is being held in Savannah in May, in the field that you used to be in, you have to wonder the motive.

Does he want me to go back to work? Does he want me to get back into that line of work?

Does he realize what that would mean? I am not a person who can just go to work and come home at 5 pm and be mom. I am a die hard work-a-holic. I am a wring the life out of the day till there is nothing left to get, and go to sleep with it still on my mind, dream it, wake up eat it for breakfast and start all over again.

Me being home with the kids has reinvented me into a totally different person.

Ive blogged this before. I have seen the career women/mom, I was that person, my son may have never wanted for anything material, but he didnt have the full time mom these other three have now, and to me that is more important then any paycheck or job desciption.

My paycheck now is peace of mind, my kids know me, my kids dont have more fun at the babysitters then with me. Hell I dont even have a babysitter other then my mom on occasion.

My priorities have changed, they involve things that will matter in 20 years, not just next week.

My house is clean, dinner is cooked every night without being thrown together last minute, laundy is not piling up with a big mental sign in it that reads "I WILL BE YOUR FRIEND ALL DAY SUNDAY".

I like my life now.

Does he want me to go to work so we have 2 incomes? Is he getting tired of the stress of doing all on his own? I think so. Does he need back surgery and is putting it off because we cant afford for him to be out of work now? Yes. Would life be better financially if I went back to work?? Yes.

Would this benefit my kids and I? No. Bottom line. No, it would not. Not where things count.

Back surgery?? Well he is going to have to bite the bullet and finally get his lawyer to settle his workmans comp case. Then he can take the time off.

I wont sacrifice a life with my children again. I have a great relationship with my oldest, he is awesome. But I feel pain when I look at him and I think of all the things he missed out on, all of the things I missed out on.

Sacrifice, its always been a big part of my life. I suppose with everyone it is.

Ive sacrificed alot.

Finding priorities and doing the right thing.

Priorities, I wont sacrifice my priorities again, and I will always try my best to do the right thing.

Its like throwing a dart at a map and praying we hit the right road.

Sacrifice, what has your sacrifice been in your life? I think its a great blog subject.

Let the Festivities Commence

I have warned you as holiday stress takes over blogs get stupider. My spirtual creative side waits patiently on the sidelines for Jan 2................................................


Let the festivities commence
I have held back this holiday as long as I can, the door burst open today and there it was in all its tinsel and wrapping paper glory, standing on the threshhold of my day.
I have lost the real tree war, in all practicality the fake tree makes more sense, no pine needles to vacuum up, no getting down all my stomach and pouring water all over the carpet to get the water in the base. We only keep the tree up for a week. Husbands birthday is Jan 1 and it comes down Jan 2. So I will be dragging everything out of the third floor today to decorate. Gotta pick your battles I suppose.
Then the whole wrapping thing will happen tomorrow, ugh, I really hate wrapping, im not good at it and I can never find the damn tape, the kids are always taping things all over the house and the tape ends up in the oddest of places. I do believe I will be buying tape tonight so I have new, findable tape.
Which leads me to my next thing......I have to go to Walmart tonight.......Im gonna swear here people so cover your ears if you offend easily................FUCK.......I hate shopping...If I ever win the lottery, or my inlaws ever kick the bucket (im going to hell for that one) I will pay someone to shop for me. Seriously, I will have someone who I can trust not to buy any knick knacks that I can call at any given hour and say "hey can you run down to the store and pick up some socks and pickles for me"? " I have cold feet and I need to make a Sammich". Or, "Heres my list, dont forget the Gefilte Fish and the Fluffernutter, Im having company this weekend and I hate to dissapoint Mrs Rosenburg and her 2 brats.
Paying someone else to do your shopping must be the utmost luxery. I already do it for my groceries. They come every Wed, and they only charge 5 bucks to do my shopping, and bring it into my house, who the hell can beat that!
I would rather walk on broken glass in the middle of a sand storm wearing nothing but bathing suit filled with itching powder then shop. I guess you get my point.
I have to get grabbag gifts, which is another story. We do grab bag every year, too many people to buy for so we figured a way to make everyone happy, we do the pick a number and you get to switch with the people before you yadayada, please dont make me explain this. So every year, the still in the closet lesbian cousin brings two bags of gifts, one for herself and one for her fake boyfriend. One bag is chocked full of Starbucks stuff, she works for them, the other bag is aweful.
She loads it with sex toys and doesnt let anyone know which one it is.
The first year my dad ended up with it...............holy crap I thought he was going to die. The cousin of a friend who was in from Arizona ended up taking it from my dad, she was 18 and it weirded me out she would want it. She was this little happy child with the innocence of a butterfly.....up till that point.
Last year my brother ended up with it. My brother doesnt mince words, he said "what the fuck" in front of all the rosary clutching aunts. My mother in law took it, even more weirded out. yuck yuck yuck.
So sex toys and coffee, thats what I have to deal with, I think I will buy some nice candles and some coffee mugs, people can always use those.
For the record this isnt my family, mine will be in Jersey at church singing at the candle light service at midnight then having coffee and crumbcake from that really good bakery over in Paterson. Remember folks you just dont marry the person, you marry the whole family. There is no way around it.
I would get into the whole 7 fishes dinner and the other things we have to cook but I think I will save it for another day

Only Bad Moments

Bad days have been dwindling,
Only bad moments remain
I wont ever fight the bad moments
They keep me alive
Pieces of you make me love the pieces of my today.
Without yesterday there would have been no today
Or no tomorrow
Memories of the past serve as my foundation of my future
When we can embrace our past with peace
We can finally embrace our future with the love and desire it deserves.
No more bad days.
Only bad moments.

When the holidays get stressful the blogs get stupider

Vinnie the Underbite Humungo

All names have been changed to protect the guilty
I had a dream last night, Ill blame the first part on Karen, I was in a mall in Jersey, I was sitting with my girlfriend Angela (I have no girlfriend Angela), we were sitting droning on about our lives in a typical Jersey whine. Angela was bitching about her boyfriend Johnny Jr. and how he treats her like shit and didnt buy her those shoes she wanted, then she was going on and on about his mother, or as she put it, mothah, and how all she ever does is break Joey' Jr's balls about how since his fathah died, Joey Jr doesnt go to church enough, this is a women who goes to church 4 times a week, and as Angela puts it, when she dies and they finally pry that Rosary out of her hand they will discovah that it has grown to her fingers.. Joey goes once she says, thats enough, after all he is a busy man.
So there we are in front of the Cinnabun sipping our cappachino and hashing out all of our problems with a good shopping spree, and nobody notices right behind us is Vinnie the Underbite Humungo, he is in fact sitting there in his trademart "bathrobe" and with none other then Joey Bag a Canoli. He must have overheard Angela bitching about Johnny's mom and being Johnny's mom and him are 3rd cousins once removed Vinnie of course is going to show respect to Johnny's mom and make it a point to let Angela know that its just not right to disrespect your elders, especially the women who gave birth to his 4th cousin once removed.
So he stands up, and Angela spots him and gets this look on her face like "oh shit" and she stands up and starts to back away but her high heel gets caught in the chair and she goes to fall, so Vinnie the Underbite Humungo grabs her by her arms to catch her, but at the same time comes around with a salt shaker and smashes her in the face, throws her down on the ground, and spits at her feet and says, Johnnie aint marrying you, I wont let it happen you bitch, no 4th cousin once removed of mine is gonna be saddled with a ball and chain like you for the rest of his life.
She is laying there bleeding, broken nose, cracked teeth, too afraid to cry, to afraid to move, and to afraid to even talk.
And as he is walking away he turns to me and says, " hey sweetheart I didnt see you there, tell your husband I said hello, and dont hang around with this whore anymore".
That was the last time I saw Angela.
Then I woke up with a strange craving for Canoli, and pasta.
In memory of Vinnie the Chin Gigante may he RIP

Forgetting

Forgetting
Thoughts drifting through her head like the fog rolling over the lowlands in the weepy morning hours.
To much to think about, the fog is choking out any answers she might have found.
She takes a deep breath and can smell the scent of him like it was yesterday.
A lone tear rolls down her cheek, she wipes it away and pretends its not there.
She is getting good at forgetting again, at least that is what she tells herself.
The silence that replaces her voice, when asked what is wrong, she pauses, nothing, its nothing. Silence again.
She moves through the day, every moment spent walking away from the moment before is that much further he escapes in her memory, thats what she tells herself.
Another deep breath, another thought escapes her mind to be lost forever.
She is getting good at forgetting again, thats what she tells herself, before another tear falls to the ground.
Every moment moving foward in time is moving away from the past, that is what she tells herself once again.
Forgetting.

Dreams

Dreams
Warm hand against her cheek awakens her from a deep sleep
Her eyes open slowly in the dark
There he is in a pitch black room golden as if the sun shines down upon him as he lays gazing at her
The look of love upon his face is extraudinairy
She blinks and he is gone
Eyes flutter shut and she wonders what angel came to visit her tonight as she falls back into slumber.
He is after all in the other room fast asleep.

Hair

Hair
As I lay in bed last night, trying to fall asleep the minutes ticked away on the clock, 1 am 2 am 3 am came and went, my daughter was feeling my unrest and was also awake, she hasnt been feeling well and was riding the high of some cold meds I gave her, so there we lay, the two of us like a couple of frustrated insomniacs.
She holding onto my hair saying cozy mommy over and over. Me holding her other hand and thinking I really need to put her into her own bed. She has a beautiful hand made wooden bed made especially for her from Sleep Safer. Its a special bed for kids with special needs, the sides fold up so she cant fall or climb out. Plexi windows so she can see out.
For a long time I have been using the excuse im afraid she will stop breathing and I wont know it. She has what they call awake apnia, she just stops breathing, turns blue and I shake her back to reality and she breaths again. Some sort of seizure I assume, Ive neve gotten a straight answer, she is s mystery to most Dr's when it comes to her brain. Now mind you its been about 2 years since she has done this, but I still use this as an excuse.
Letting go and letting her be independent is something I need to work on. They warned me about this when she was born. Its so easy to coddle her, she has the mental ability of a 1 year old and is just so easy to baby.
I think it may be harder for me then for her.
Her mortality scares me, she could just go at any time for a number of reasons, I know I would find a way to blame it on myself.
My mortality scares me, spend as much time as you can with this child, you may not be around next year. We could all get hit by a bus tomorrow, I know this, but these are my feelings.
Today starts the mother of all Aides, she is a 60 year old italian women with the vibrance of a thousand women and the energy of an army.
I have been told she will be taking over for a few hours every day. This one will make me back off. Let her gain independence, grow up a little without me doing everything for her.
Its going to be a personal struggle but I think im ready.
Although im going to miss the cozy mommy till 3 am.
Speaking of my own mortality, my Dr called, I have to wait till Jan 6th to see the breast specialist. Im not very happy about that.

Bleach and other things that are clean

Bleach and other things that are clean
I realized something today, if you give a foreign women a bottle of bleach when she asks for it she will stay busy for hours and your house will be disinfected so you can eat out of the grout behind your sink.
I also discovered if you put Bocelli in the CD player she will smile and it helps not only get rid of germs, but the smile chases away a few layers of the sadness in your head.
Tomorrow she will be helping me find my daughters bed under the piles of clothes that have collected there, according to Mother Teresa it will help save my marraige. How she knew my marraige was in trouble I have no clue, maybe all parents who use a child as a buffer in a bed at night have it written all over their faces. Either way I just nodded and thought, how could she be wrong her Halo glows like a 100 watt bulb over her head.
She also calls me Mrs Domestico, and refuses to call me by my first name. Which kind of weirds me out, nobody calls me that. Not even my kids friends, Im Amy or Mrs D. Oh well I guess she answers to a higher power with that halo and all.
I really like her, I like that she has me pegged and refuses any help while she is here, she see's my anal retentive qualities and has me beat by a mile.
Life seems a little simpler now.

King Howard

King Howard exits his kingdom and gets on that rocket ship heading into space on a satellite.
It seems like a national holiday around here, kids got today off from school, granted it was because of the weather, but its only raining so it kind of makes you wonder if the powers that be in the school system are glued to their Yahoo live video stream like the rest of us.
Husband took the morning off from work and is upstairs sniffling in front of the computer screen, placing his order on the internet highway for some "serius" radio.
This will be, in my house a day of mourning. A day that we will say goodbye to what they are calling Extraterrestrial Radio. Not by my choice, but by the choice of the FCC and what they feel we as Americans can hear or not hear, see or not see.
I personally am not a fan of Howards man whore ways, but I am a fan of the fight for keeping the government out of my house when it comes to what I can view or not view, hear or not hear.
I am very interested to hear what evolves with Satellite radio, it opens doors on diversity and freedom and slams the door on the FCC.
Take that Colon Powells son, you can peek your head out of Bush's pocket now, the enemy has left your world.
I wonder what Imus will do. Who will be the next king of ET. Will it just be a computer somewhere feeding us advertising and preprogrammed shows. The same 11 songs in a loop playing over and over? The news that they want us to hear, the FCC that is. I have to wonder, what this is going to do to the media as we know it.
Is this a step foward? Or a step sideways, sideways as in we are not going foward or back, but someplace different, someplace we may have never expected to be. Will it be good? Or will it be bad?
Its an "EPIC" moment we are experiencing.
Or maybe not.
Maybe this is taking that step away from EPIC. Breaking the cycle we have fallen into as a society.
Thats all I have to say.

Letter to a fantasy

The first line of Iris, "I'd give up forever to touch you" for some reason has always made me feel that soulful lonliness I carry around with the rest of the things that haunt me on occasion.
I never really thought about why it made me "feel" before. Till tonight.

At some point in my life somewhere along the line I fell in love with a fantasy of how I percieved something. We all have that one thing that we glorify in our own heads just to hang onto something that will always be just out of our reach, maybe its a place, maybe its something you always dreamed of that you have turned into something its not, maybe its a person you know you made into someone who really doesnt exist.

For the most part, this little fantasy we have usually is just a daydream or a passing fancy we think of while trying to fall asleep or driving in our cars, not at the same time mind you. Maybe a thought while standing in the night looking up at the stars. Thats where I do my best day dreaming. My sweetest thoughts have come while looking at the stars, but I have also stood below them and cried till I thought my chest would crack open from the pain. Fantasies dont all have to be happy thoughts.
Some of my most elaborate fantasies have been heart wrenching.

Now I dont want to confuse dreams with fantasies, these are two different things for me. Dreams are things we can achieve and things to strive for. Fantasies are just that, fantasies.
Thats when I realized the line "Id give up forever to touch you" had been part of a fantasy I had.

I took a fantasy I had and threw a huge pail of cold reality on it this week. Reality can really do away with the fantasies, sometimes its a bad thing we all need to fantasize in some way shape or form, but sometimes it a good thing. Because sometimes reality is so much sweeter and perfect then our fantasy. You need to open your eyes to be able to see that.

My conclusion on this line of Iris is this...............

Regarding you my haunting fantasy, I would not give up forever to touch you. Nor do I want you to know who I am.

My reality is so much more sweet.

Letter to a friend

I dont have too many people in my life I pray for at length. I just prayed for you. The feeling tugging at my chest the longing, pain, hurt, sadness.

These are not my feelings, I can feel you. I dont ever know why, why cant I ever figure out why!! I can only feel.

Not many people have come into my life that seemed so true, honest, not afraid.

I thought you were one of them. A friend that in 20 years or next week we could sit down and talk like we have known each other all of our lives.

Was I wrong? Its like finding out there is no Easter Bunny or Santa. Good and true, pure and simple. But its all just an illusion and lie.

Im not giving up on you though. I still believe there is one good person left on this earth.

Passing through

Every once in a while, I get this cold cold feeling, it seems to pass through me from the back to the front, it leaves me with goosebumps and it hits me the hardest on the inside, I can feel it all the way to my core. It leaves me shaken every time and it leaves behind a sense of loss and loneliness, like the slight touch of a hand scattered some sadness on the outskirts of my conciousness.

Its the same cold I felt that day I died in 87. If you have never felt it, its hard to explain.

It happened again today. Just now.

What happened.

When we die do we leave part of ourselves on that other side that can always feel the cold.

Someday down the road I will find out. It will be my first question when I go back.

The second will be where's Elvis!

Till We Get It Right

Till we get it right.
She could here all the voices off in the distance, in a slumber that hung on the edge of awake. They pushed and pulled at her very existence, her very own voice the loudest in the mist and the grey.
She fought the push, she fought the pull, could she live a life that made her finally full. The question, it hung in the fog of her brain, it could only be answered by her willingness to gain. Gain love and trust, honesty and truth. Peace in heart was going to be new.
Through all of her fear she wondered if she could let go, of a love that escaped her so many years ago. She had clung till the blood drained from her heart and her soul. Letting go meant living in the here and the now and going where she had never gone before.
Someday in her next life maybe their souls would get it right, she was willing to wait and live out this life.
She knew in her heart she would recognize his soul, when the time would be right she would know true love again and be whole.
She wept at the moment her decision was made. Letting go of the past, she knew their love would wait.
How could it not, she trusted love so. She is willing to wait to get back her soul. He kept it tucked away under lock and key, it sat next to his far out of both their reach.
She stared into his heart for one last time, and said I'll love you for always, next time we'll get it right.
She vowed never to forget the night she looked up at the stars, they will be her beacon in her next life to find his heart.
She awoke from her slumber shaking off the silver of her soul, and wondered what had happened that had shaken her so. She shrugged it off as a dream and went on with her life. Something always made her look up at the stars late at night. A yearning, a longing, a feeling from above, where did it come from she wondered, maybe its love.
The years passed so quickly, they flew like the wind. Her legacy was what her children could win, love and happiness in knowing a life of her love. They always followed the stars up above.
She took her last breath in the pale moonlight, the stars told her a story of a love worth the fight. Go onto your next life, go search for your soul, it is out there somewhere under the stars and the moon. Follow them closely and you will have the sight, his soul is entwined with yours, waiting for you to get it right. Learn from this life, and you will finally see, where you belong, where you were meant to be.
Thank the stars every night for guiding the way, I will see you again but it will be another day. Another time and a place where we can get it right, our love will prevail I promise on this night.
I have loved you with every ounce of my being, but I have a job here you see and its the children that god has given.
Ive given you my heart and my soul here tonight, I know you will keep it safe till we get it right.

In the end it doesnt even matter

Biopsy-the word seems so evil to me right now.

3 months ago my ex husband passed away.
That same week I found you, the man who took my heart.
I found forgiveness and realized you still had my heart and hadnt tossed it out like I thought you had.
1 month ago I had a dream I died. In the same dream I layed on a grave screaming for answers to why after all this time am I being faced with my past.
Within that same dream I saw your father nod at me.
Sleepless nights, endless crying, silent insanity, fighting the urge to say fuck it all and running back to you and leaving my children behind, because I love you more then life itself. I thought there was no easy way out of this marraige. I guess I forgot one thing. I could have the choice taken away from me by death.

Is this the answer? Is this why?

Grey Day

Im sitting in my front window, the ground is covered in whiteness, it would almost seem like the world is getting a fresh start, a clean page to start the day, but the greyness of the sky is looming.
It is saying, yes you have a fresh start today, just like every day but there is always the greyness. The greyness of my soul must be my lonliness, always hovering somewhere close, never too far, letting me know its there in case I start to forget.

We will get more snow tonight, this is the beginning of winter here. A long cold season. I love winter, I can identify with this season. Leafless trees, bitter cold winds, starkness everywhere you look outside. But inside its warm, there is plenty of love to snuggle up to when needed.
There is always inside to go to when the outside gets to cold. Just like life.

Emotions in Color

Emotion in color
I see emotions in colors.
Not everyone has the same colors for the same emotions.
I think im just realizing this. Ive done it all along but lately it is just apparent.
Im not seeing things like a crazy person. Just in my head like you would hear something.
I feel so silver lately and just now gold and red were with the love of a friend.
Some people have 1 color, some have 2, some have alot.
Its just one of my quirky idiosycrasies. Do we all do this to judge peoples moods? I do.